Wole Soyinka goes poignant on Lagos

It must have sounded like an Old Man's musing. Soyinka Sits a beauty queen on his laps,literally and spins her yarns of the good old Lagos

Andy Gray

Okay, so Sky Sports suck for Firing Andy Gray. Andy no doubts is an Asshole but he's a particularly obnoxious yet endearing sort of Asshole at least to me. He represents realness in a world full of BS.

It was kina low firing a top pundit over some off the cuff banter about some woman Linesman but the dude and (Richard Keys)thought they were off air. Is there a Man her who wouldn't say some stoopid shh about some woman running...sorry sashaying up and down the touchline waving a flag? especially if you are with a few of your mates? Show of hands please.

I didn't think she'd make a good assistant referee either (I wonder why they had to change their names from "Linesman" just to accommodate the damned feminists)
Anywhoo, Andy's gone they'll probably axe his FIFA EA Sport gig too I'll miss that even though he talks a lot of smack, but hey life goes on.
Take a bow Son and i mean that. Take a bow.

When the Oil stops to flow

What happens when the Oil runs dry, or a sustainable, cheaper, cleaner alternative shows up?
Too late to rely on taxes because all the Industries have moved shop elsewhere since there was no Power.Meannwhile we flare Gas round the clock cause we have no Idea what to do with it.

No Infrastructure, Kleptocracy on a different level, citizens very poorly educated, and no idea how to generate revenue since the oil’s dried up.
No transparency, so no foreign Investments coming in. and Jack all has been done for the past 50 years. Just a bunch of over bloated Illiterate egos praying in Church for Blessings whilst the Pastors live smoothly in relative Jungle bliss in their Bentleys and Private Jets.

It’s happened before in Bahrain, their Oil ran out, but they chose to turn their country around and today it’s a Financial hotspot.

Indonesia kicked out a Corrupt Leader and they decided as a country to turn their fortunes around. Hungary, Albania they get honorable mention too.

Most people don’t know the danger ahead. What’s the hope for the future when your kids get these sort of half baked education and kids all over the world are benefiting from an increase in the level and quality of education. Better believe it your kids will have to compete with other employees all over the world. We’ve moved into an age of out-sourcing and off shoring. The competition is going to get really tough. Heck it’s tough enough as we speak. The Asians are already doing things better for a fraction of the price and they are in a continuous state of self and collective improvement.
Congratulations Nigeria at 50.

World Cup 2010

My wish list.
Dear God, First things first can i have my own personal World Cup without the damned Vuvuzela? How can you not go totally bonkers with thhat giant drone in your ears???

Also God, If Nigeria will not get to the quarter Finals please let the team crash out quickly at the group stage.

Thirdly,Please please, Let England get to the Finals. A win will be nice but at least a place in the Finals will do. And Lord please let Rooney behave, and no red cards and no Gazza type drama.

Over and Out . Cant wait.

Pursuit of Happyness (For Women)

I really ought to get paid...a lot for saying this because it's so very true.
I'm about to drop a little bit of Wisdom of Biblical proportions and i really want you to listen and take this with all the seriousness it deserves.

Stop rolling your big eyeballs and listen up. Properly. So you are a single girl and you need to get married? Tall, dark, handsome, good Job,goes to church regularly because he really ,likes God not just because there's no NEPA Sunday Mornings,a couple Cars, Driver takes the kids to school, summer holidays...the whole enchilada.
I'm here to give you the hook up on how to get the Man of your dreams and it's quite easy.

Step one: Get the fcuk out of the house. Go Socialize.Go out and have a drink, Bachelor's eve, Champions league viewing centre... wherever you can meet the male species. Even Church. If your Church is filled with cheap head scarf wearing long faced women with no jewelery and a face like Cactus's Lemonade.And broke Bible-under-the -armpit losers, Change Church quick. Go worship where the hot boys go. If you don't know please ask somebody who knows.It's not about how hard you pray. Yes i said it. abi you wan stone me? Shio!

Step Two: Now this is where I'm going to and this is bloody important. Fortune favours the bold. STEP UP!!!!!
You see a guy you like and he fits the bill, physically, Take a deep breath and walk up to him.
You are in the middle of a crowded room, a party, conference, whatever. Walk up to the man put on that innocent smile and say "Hi". At this point it doesnt matter what else you say. "You've got a nice watch and i'm thinking of buying one as a present for my Dad" blah blah blah. Think of any Mumu excuse to open your mouth. Just start the bloody conversation.

Guess what you've just done? You've done what 90% of those other Heiffers in the room will not dare even contemplate. Congrats. You have just stacked the odds overwhelmingly in your favor. You are in the Select 10%.Them Heiffers ain't got nothing on you.

Secondly, you have done what most shy guys have fantasized about a couple billion times. A hot intelligent chick walking up to say hi. The chances of getting rejected
are zero to nil. If he does he's a Donut with a hole anyway and not worth a monkeys fart.

So, there you have it. 100% Success or your money back. Now get off the damned computer and go do it. NOW!!!.

Holler

Happy New Year Ya'll.
Yup it's my first post this year. What you want to do sue me? Shio!
If the thing pepper you catch me on Facebook.

If i ain't your friend on FB quick tip ladies...those pix with the titties pushed out don't work no more. Ya'll gotta switch your game. Hair done right, make up game tight, and please wear a smile. and did i say no titties out? Lol Hehehe.

Weekdays: Just up on my hustle and grind. Weekends: Dodging raindrops, Lounging on the Deck chairs at the Rehab Poolside, Sunshades on, weather hot, drinks cold, very long things, very short Bikinis, red light flashing on the little Bold 2, I got people watching people so i don't go broke.

Who got next? Te toca a ti.


What's up with ya'll how you living? Holla at your Boy. Hasta luego.

And in the news today...

3 Undergraduates of the University of Abuja got arrested for attempted Kidnapping of 2 Federal Ministers. Prince Adetokunbo Kayode and Dr.Sam Egwu. (What's up with all these guys and Titles sef?)
Ransom Money: 300 Million Naira.
and err... a signed promise by the Federal Government to end the ASUU strike.

The Inspector General of Police says he's not aware Mallam Nuhu Ribadu was in Nigeria for Late Gani Fawehinmi's Funeral.
He's asking the good citizens of Nigeria to send him pictures of Ribadu in Nigeria. Then he'll believe.
Apparently the Chief Security officer of the country does not read the papers, or pics in the Newspapers were photoshopped. lol.
I'm not even going to say nothing about this one. I love crisp, fresh linen Sheets on my bed, Air-conditioning, Play station 3, Blueberry Cheesecakes.... none of these can be gotten from a Nigerian Prison. Nuff said.

There's Bank holiday on Monday and Tuesday. Yay!!!!! For the first time, I wanna hug every Muslim in sight.
That's one helluva long ass weekend man.




The US Govt has thrown out the appointment of the Nigerian ambassador Tunde Adeniran.
Looks like he's got a naughty son who can't seem to stay out of trouble.
The Nigerian government are busy begging the Yanks to re-consider. Shebi na the pickin cause wahala not Baba 'Damola! It's just small Ogbanje that is worrying the boy now! Haba! You sef no get pickin?
Adedamola Adeniran is facing charges for multiple Gang rape, and has a previous criminal record for Car theft and Credit card Identity theft.


Now my personal favorite news of the day. Wait for this, this takes the biscuit
2 Men, Okechukwu Kenneth Enyinnaya and Samson Nwachukwu sat down under the Mango tree in front of Okechukwu’s house one lazy Sunday Afternoon and
Dreamed up their own version of the classic Kidnap extortion plan.
Hey everyone else is doing it right? So why can’t we?
So they got the number of a Spaghetti eating Italian expat dude living in Abuja, loaded up 500 naira worth of Glo Airtime Credits from the Mallam next door on credit..pun Intended, and then rang up Luigi. Listen up mate, We’re Assasins. Pay 1.2 Million Naira or we’ll come turn off your bloody lights mate!
Luigi says ok give me your account number and I’ll wire the money into it.
Dumb and Dumber did just that. Lol. They texted him their account details and strolled off to the Closest Branch to their Mango tree hang out to pick up the cash.
Luigi is back home eating Spaghetti and having a laugh with Mario.
Tweedledee and Tweedledum just broke the Naija record for daftest crime ever.
And their sorry butts are in Jail. Stupid fucks.

Nollywood Banks

In the News the Ibru's i hear took a drive down to the Village to implore their dead ancestors to sort out the CBN Governor.
How many ways to kill a Civil Servant?
"Strangulation by his red bow tie will be preferred" they said
"it shall be done my Children" says the ancestor.

They drop the ghana must go, with crisp 1000 Naira notes, and Bottles of Vintage Krug for the Ancestors as they exit.
(The Ibru Ancestors, unlike your own impoverished dead folks who are quite content with Seamans Schnapps, are proper Old Money, blue blooded Ikoyi -cemetery living folks. That Kolanut Libation shit isn't gonna fly Geddit?)

Temptation (Summer of '99)

...Who trespass against us
Please lead me NOT into temptation....

It was the Devil's fault. She wasn't supposed to like me
this is wrong. Whichever way you turn it, it's still the wrong angle.
It was just fun and games not a Jump-Off
She wasn't supposed to catch feelings....
She wasn't supposed to take me seriously
I need to back-track
before i properly Sin
from Just the Tip inside....back to hugs...back to "Hey What's up?"
and trust me it's harder for me. I have to shake Dude's hand and look him in the eye.

It's Facebook

That's why i haven't been updating my Blog. That nosy application that never seem to be able to make any money for the developer, has somehow managed to take me away from my Internet Mistress. No not Buffie the Body, dumbass!!!! Blogger.

And all of ya'll that read my Blog and show up on FB trying to add me, i don't know you like that haba! I have about 75 friend request pending and i have no idea who this peeps are. There's one dude that looks like the love child of Segun Arinze and Eucharia whatsherface. Seriously, i had nightmares. At least put up a little note saying blah blah from Blogger. I probably still won't add you as my friend except you're cute mami and have a Lollipop fixation, you like sweet things...not in a bad way. But you sha get the gist.
I'm just trying to get Psychos off my case. Please understand. I've been through too much, and I've only just survived a Stalker experience.

Long Story. Involves an after hours drink at Swe Bar with a friend of mine Surrey-Girl, and her friend that i just met who looked like she started getting dressed just as Nepa took light. I mean some jenifa combinasion of slifa and green, and she spoke with a mixture of Urhobo and Australian accent.And just as i thought it couldn't get any worse, another were girl that accosted me on the way to the bathroom with her Business card, who turned out to be a Cele Church going, Candle burning Psychopath. No, she was not wearing a white garment that day. The story long i no fit talk am here and now.

My cable company has lost the rights to show Premiership footie for a couple years now, and this season they've just lost the bid for broadcasting Champions League.
So, now i'm forced to watch El Mustachios prancing around la liga with their newest hair spray pansy Christiano Ronaldo.
Or watch Huddersfield play Coventry in the FA Cup Yawn...
Or watch Big brother Africa, filled with only Guys with no babes in the house yet, and if and when the girls show up, there ain't no shower hour.
Just watch a bunch of low lifes for picking their noses on live television. I think not. Thank you very much. Looks like a good time to read for that exam.

Isoko, i miss you come back to Lagos. Kes where the heck are you? They've since invented a device called a mobile phone. You don't have to haul a Pager around no more. lol Hola!
Dennar, I've updated so stop stressing me or else I'll spill all your dirty secrets to your Wife.
That's burnt dinners for a year. Yup! I'm evil!!!!!!
Relax mate, just kidding. Everybody else Hola!

This is not the News

Okay so Cecilia got nabbed trying to escape in Broda Jimoh's "second hand" Private Jet. She almost made it but the bloody plane made more noise than a Molue.
EFCC heard the noise right from their office, got their and promptly arrested her plumpness.
Jimoh has since sent the Plane to the U.K for a tune up.
Moral of the story. Don't buy second hand Jets. If you have to buy a second hand Jet, get professionals to service it.
If you need to do a quick getaway, make sure your getaway vehicle is not a used Jet belonging to Uncle Jimoh, and serviced by the same guys that change the Tyre on his Car Morufu the Mechanic and his kid brother Jellili.
Also learn from the Pros who have done this successfully. Wole Soyinka only needed a NY Yankees hat, Sunglasses and a bit of Swagger to stroll across Seme Border.
Alams was a bit more erm... imaginative. Cross dressing and all that. Freaky sonofa. lol.

Erastus isn't exactly sipping Tetleys at his London Apartment. Interpol and all that. I hear Caves are at a premium in some certain countries. I'm not saying anything tho'.

This morning, i had a brain wave. I realized how far wrong the Bloody Americans were. The solution to the Credit Crunch is a very simple one.
See, the Nigerian Central Bank bailed out 5 banks by doing something simply ingenious. They printed out 420 Billion Naira in Mint 1,000 notes, Stuffed the cash in duffel Bags, and handed it to the Banks like Christmas packages.
See? Simple solutions for difficult problems. Banks need bail out money, Nigerian Government Prints bail out money. End of Discussion. i mean, Even Idi Amin could do it. So i don't understand why the Yanks don't get it? lol.
At this rate Naija will take over the world. My mate says Nepa just might be able to provide electric power for the Americans. (Anything is possible. You just believe)

Notorious

There’s only one King.
Seen the Movie twice. Bought the bootleg, seen it thrice
Genius at it’s best.12 years down, Brighter than a zillion watt light bulb
Lyrics like you call ‘em
Metaphors that make you wake up with chills down your spine.
The Swag, Haters wondering how the fcuk does he do it?
Made them Dirty haters go get a fresh, crisp shirt
All the Catfights for you, Faye, Kimberly, Charli Baltimore…
All the guys claiming the Best friend title.
Guys who didn’t even get featured in the movie.
I guess there’s so long a script can get lol.
All the people you inspired lyrically. ME.
God Bless your Moms and your 2 kids.
There’s only one King of New York
There’s only one Christopher Wallace.
Only one Big Poppa.

Dance with my Father II (2Left feet)

Thank you Dad for being there.
It was nice to Dance with you last year
I've not been a poster boy for good behavior but you've been faithful
I didn't go to the movies but you saved me from the Armed robbers
Roof over my head, clothes on my back
A car to drive, Money to spend
For not letting me get burned in the stock exchange crash
Good health, Globe trotting
Good friends, my family...I still got issues with my Pops, (Lord help me)
Thanks for life
Thanks for Love... even them lying conniving psychotic B*** That give love a bad name
Thanks for divine protection
and even for those who've done me wrong...
For dumb gun wielding retards with very bad aim.
For the muppets who vandalized my Car back in Uni.
For the person that stole my Ready to die and reasonable doubt CD
For the Kora guy that bounced me from Proflex Gym.
For keeping me off the Alcohol since "99
Thanks lord for the Good memories also.
For that magical time as a kid.
for Obelix and Asterix
For TIN TIN and Captain Haddock, for Veronica and betty
Archie and Jughead, famous five and secret 7.
for Dancing with you second time around.
For making me hot like fiya. 32 Summers and counting.
For this quirky post.

Mr.Garmin

What happens when you know the answer to a question, and you still go ahead to ask.

Especially if the question na foolish question?

Two things will likely happen. The “Asker” gets a dirty slap from the “Askee”, provided the Slapper is older/bigger, has more grags, than the Slapee. and the most importantly Slaper is sure to a reasonable extent that Slapee does not have advanced were to retaliate.

For my own case na me go do pass myself. I was on my way to work early morning hoping the roads will be relatively traffic free and people will still be home snuggling up next to their better halves right? Wrong. (If your Husband wowo pass you how is he your better half?Anyway sha.)

Absolute gridlock at 6 in the morning. And I never even reach Lekki 2^nd round about, and the traffic looked endless. So what did I do? I whipped out Mr.Garmin and asked it to lead me to work.

Mr.Garmin says no problems. Do you want the quickest route?

Kunle: You dey ask me? Of course ke!

Mr.Garmin Plots my co-ordinates, says I’m on Lekki, tells me to bear left at the next junction 300 meters away.

Everybody and his Dog know that there is only one route from Lekki to Victoria Island shebi?

Mr.Garmin tells me to take the next right. As Oyinbo get plenty sense, maybe dem know road pass us, Me sef I follow like mumu.

(WARNING: Extreme Mumu-ness ahead. Please stop reading here if you get embarrassed at other people’s stupidity)

Mr.Garmin says drive 2.3 kilometers to coastal road and bear left at the first exit.

Eh hen! Shebi I talk am, all these dumb asses in traffic. The book I’m reading presently says to stay at least one step ahead of the crowd.

Ok. I’m a Slapee. Please go ahead and slap me because I deserve it.

The terrain got rougher, I still dey drive go

I’m blasting Hov’s Blue Magic. I’m feeling as fly as an Insect. My Music is always cranked up really high I know, Bad habit. You nko? You no get bad habit? Anyway,

That’s how I started seeing plenty coconut trees o, and the sand got whiter.

I still dey go.

I looked at the stupid Garmin thing, it showed Atlantic Ocean ahead.

So I paused, like a coma.

Then I screeched to a full stop.

I see an old man walking, I roll down my window, I can smell that distinct salty sea air.

The man shuffles slowly to me. “Oga se e fe ra fresh fish” very big Tilapia,

Fresh fish ko? Fillet Mignon steak and bread pudding ni, Nonsense.

I angrily make a u-turn

Garmin says it’s re-calculating. Oloshi, after almost carrying me into the ocean. I cast and bind all Mami Water Spirit that sent the thing to bring me to the bottom of the sea.

I’m calculating how many pieces to break the thing stupid thing into.

Anyway sha I get back to the road, to join the other *cough* dim-wit commuters on their daily grind. I had just wasted 20 minutes of my life. Why are you opening eye? You never do stupid thing before? Kpele o! Or because me I talk my own? Shio!

It goes without saying sha I was late to work.

Never again to Mami-water Garmin or Tom-Tom. I remember a few months ago my sister was going to drop me off at Paddington Station from Southend –on –sea

My Sis is probably worse than I am when it comes to locating places. And me ehn, I can’t find my way out of a match box. It’s official.

Na so we enter A13 dey go, then made several rubbish turns courtesy of Mr.Tom Tom. To sha cut a long tory short we ended up at Reading. I was late for my train to Cardiff, and we were out of Petrol in the middle of nowhere. I should have jumped ship and hopped on a train at Reading station, but my sister would have had my juicy ears for Suya. Lol.

Now, to more serious issues. If you can’t afford babies, please don’t have them. Kid’s are capital intensive. It takes a lot of planning and dedication and sacrifices, even for middle class parents that both work. You have to allocate a lot of resources to them until they are 18 if you live in the Western world, and until they are 35 if you live in Naija lol…

Also, if you’re not smart, marry a smart spouse so your kids don’t turn out to be as dumb as Donuts, but more importantly, if your spouse goes to the neighborhood ramshackle drug store to buy Teething powder for your baby, and he/she comes home with something called “My Pickin”, you should have enough smarts to pop it open and empty the poisonous contents on the said spouse’s head accompanied with a dirty Slap.

Yep, NAFDAC should have checked, but there’s only so much NAFDAC can do. I don’t think anybody has the right to feed any baby a medication called “My Pickin”.

I hope this doesn’t get swept under the carpet. Those innocent kids… Heads have to roll for this.

NB: In Case you’re wondering what I’m on about, there are kids(6months to 3 year olds) dying from Renal failure all over the country after their parents bought a certain teething powder called “My Pickin”.

So far the authorities are not doing anything apart from watching to see who’s got manicured fingernails from all the finger pointing going on.

Naija Rules

I'm sure Adamu would have logged on to his Hi-Tech Computer, Looked at the Hi Definition Monitor and screamed!!!! "Yeepa! Osanobua! They have struck".
I can imagine him walking down the long Corridor to his Oga's office. One gingerly step at a time until inevitably he gets to his Agbada wearing Oga's office.

Adamu: "Morin Sah"!

Agbada: "umm"(Looks up briefly from his Newspaper, barely acknowledging his presence with a grunt)

Adamu: "Sah we have a problem sah". (scratches head)

Agbada: "Umm" (Still frowning intently at the Sport pages)

Adamu: "I think sah that our Satellite is missing sah"

Agbada:(This Day newspaper dutifully drops) "Shege!! You mean somebody climbed the fence and stole our DSTV Dish"?

Adamu: "No sah i looked at the screen and i could..."

Agbada:"You mean the bastards took the Decoder..."

Adamu: "No sah, I mean sah, the Satellite in Space sah."

Agbada: They stole the Satellite in Space?" (Up and pacing the room, screaming). "Who? Niger Delta boys? Get me the IG on the phone".

Adamu: "Yes sah"

Agbada: I can't beleive this. This Country. That's how those Niger Delta boys stole a whole Ship.
In fact whilst you're at it, get me Rear Admiral Arogundade on the phone. He might have an idea. Maybe he saw any suspicious activities on the high seas".

Adamu: "The Admiral's phone is switched off sah".

Agbada: "Why"?

Adamu: "If you remember sah, According to the Navy, he got his uniform torn, and got beaten up by a Colonel's Daughter last week sah".

Agbada:" Oh that wild crazy Girl. Yes yes... Forget Harry". "Get the IG. Also, put the word out. There's a reward for any Satellite in space with a fresh coat of paint. Look closely if it has the Green and white colours of Nigeria underneath".

Adamu: "Yes Sir".

Agbada: "What are you still doing here? Oya out out out!!!!!"

Micro Economics.

Micro economy basically is how individuals allocate scarce resources to produce and distribute goods and services.

I'm not about to get all Nerdy on you so be cool. Be warned though, I'm gonna get a bit controversial on ya. Hold on to your hats folks.

First what's been happening to me? Nothing much really. Been taking one day at a time, another day another dollar/naira as the case may be, doing the 1-10 countdown whenever i see something that annoys the heck outta me. And trust me there's a lot out there to drive me nuts but i'm not even gonna go into that. My rant week is over. I'm my bubbly self all over again.

So sha, i went out on the town last night to have a drink with my Boy AY. He's got mad Cheddar and i'm good looking...(Oya Talk make i hear you) *hiss* Anyway So we pretty much have to beat the Ladies away with a Stick lol. Wetin i dey talk again sef? Ehen so i make my entrance and i see the same ol' Crowd hmm,Wannabees, Heavy-weighters, The Pros and the Cons...lol
I spot my Cousin with a girl i sabi from way back.
Hang on Didn't she do her trad Wedding last Christmas? Or two years ago? My Big Motor mouth Cuz hollers "Kunle"..
Oh well, I walk over smile, said hi, smack my Cuz on the head,
S'up Playboy?
I glance at the babe's left hand.
Ring's off.
Hi Onome
She says "Oh Kunle you've met my Cousin Remi"
Silence.
I'm looking like WTF? Oti o!
More Silence. ...Mouth Open
Wallahi, you coulda hit me with a Feather, and i'd be on the floor.
I'm thinking, I'm like Nah, This Heffer didn't just Introduce My own Cousin to me as her Cousin.
I thought i don heard everythang. This one takes the Carrot Cake.
The look on my Cousin's face, Priceless. Mastercard moment that.

You asked me what i did? Of course i called my Olori kodoro cousin and told him
"Eti e melo? (How many ears were you given at the Baby Factory?)
You've got one leg in the grave, and the other leg on a Banana peel Son.

So i sha walk back to my seat o, AY was chilling lazily having a drink. I swear the Dude is so laid back he's almost Horizontal. Haha... I sha gave him the Gist of the Onome Fiasco, I'm making a helluva lotta noise and i don't give a toss. A Shorty's looking at me from the Corner of her eyes
I turn to look at her fully.
Yeepa.
Omo, she looked like she got dressed in the dark. Mis-matched colours and all that.

I'm off tangent again shey? Ehen, So what set me on this course?

500 Naira note. How? I wanted to give the guy at the parking lot a tip. I thought i had a few 200 Naira notes in my Glove Compartment, Couldn't find any..(I wonder who steals loose change from my Car?) Anyway sha, I looked in my wallet 1k notes and 500 bucks.
No way i'm gonna give the Parking guy 500 bucks.
I searched the car thoroughly nothing at all, so i ended up giving the Old man the 500 be-be sha.

The moment the guy saw the money, i saw a big smile light up his face. Shebi you know that kind of smile that all your teeth will be outside like this? ehen, that one.
On my way home i kept pondering, thinking about different things, and how much 500 bucks meant to the Man on the Street in this very cold, hard unforgiving City.

I imagined that the Guy had a wife at home, (Hopefully 1 wife only) and maybe 3 kids (Usually more than 3 for that econo strata) but for arguments sake let's say 3.

He's at least 45-47 years old, and his take home pay as a parking attendant is probably about 10,000 a month(42 British Pounds monthly). That's about less than what you pay for Dinner for 2 at the joint he works.

So let's say he stays in a 1 room face me i slap you, and he pays 1200k monthly. I'm just pulling figures out of the air here but for arguments sake 1200k.
Transportation. He doesn't live on the Island like millions of other workers so another 2500k

He needs to feed, so thats say another 4500k

Utilities 1000k

Upkeep money he gives the Missus 2000k (At this point he's already in debt)

He probably has some extended family Dependants to sort out at least he's sha working.

I'm sure i've skipped stuff like Clothes, Drugs cause he lives in a malaria infested place.

The only way to supplement his income and keep hope alive...the tips he gets.

Looking deeper, i tried to imagine what if this 47 year old Man has a daughter, and he decides he has to send her to school so she can have a future?

So, baby girl is in a higher institution because she's reasonably bright but unreasonably broke.

Dad is barely employed, Mother sells fresh fruits, no chance of getting a temp job as an assistant in school, even the people with Masters degree sef no get work.
Lecturers insists you have to buy handouts or you fail, it's black and white. No grey areas. Each handout is sold at a minimum of 2500k for each course(or even More sef depending on the hunger level of the lecturer).

She doesn't even bother going home for money because she knows the Situ at home.

What's a girl to do?

Yup! You guessed right.

There are other chicks in school with Civil Servant/ working class parents who are a bit higher up the socio-economic ladder but are seriously struggling to survive in a country where nothing works, no welfare system, a few people have all the money and the other few are trying to get there so they can lord it over their former neighbours like "i don arrive"
You know that " Hello, ah ahn...long time...So you're still driving that old Car" or the female version...looking you up and mentally calculating your net worth by what you've got on and who made your shoes blah blah.
It's a tough stupid ego-driven unforgiving place Naija. Crabs in a 3rd world bucket.

Whats a girl to do?
I noticed it about 7 years ago, but then it had not been institutionalized. It had the whole "Under G" cloak draped around it. How about you take a trip down any of the nation's Campuses? I hear it's worse in those hidden Polytechnics in the middle of nowhere. You know all those Osun state Poly, Federal school of something or the other. These same Governors and politicians that can't fix bad roads, drainages, The same muppets that hold on to teachers salaries, will send a convoy of cars to these schools to pick up these kids for all sorts of outrageous trysts that will make Caligula look like an Alter boy.

Every single school in the country has it's clique of Runs people. It's a whole different society on it's own. Something shifted in the last 5 years. The Runs-less girls are in the Minority for the first time since 1984 when runs officially started.

The runs girls that were looked down upon a few years ago are now the La Bellas. They run the joint, they are in the limelight, socially accepted from the ''Low-end 5k thanks for coming(TFC)" to the high flying Weekend at Burj al Arab Dubai-shop-till-you-drop, Infinity Driving chicks.

They've arrived and it looks like they are here to stay. Endorsed by peers, parents who look the other way, Clergy men who receive the offerings/Tithes on Sundays, Lecturers who give them a 2:1 so they get the Bank jobs when the graduate, Even down to the Unilag boys who can't get none because the goodies have been exported to the more affluent Oil and Gas/telecoms/Bank boys, Politicos/Married guys looking for an official girlfriend/Yahoo boys (Yahoodlums) who get some whilst they can still maintain the Golf4 and get none when there is Mugu dry season and they're back on Campus Shuttle/Riding shotgun in Homies whip.


Wo, I'm not trying to point fingers here or anything o! I'm just flashing a light on a present reality which almost everyone seem to turn a blind eye to. E be like some major mass self denial thing going on.

Parents know what their Kids get up to, but frankly are powerless to do anything about it.They are still busy trying to survive.
The one's who have the clout have shipped off their kids to schools abroad from the Ivy leagues to the Community university.

How about the new "Religious Universities"? Mehn, don't even get me started... i'm not even gonna go there....

Madam Lawmaker is busy trying to ban short skirts and Cleavage revealing tops. There's more serious stuff going on that that Duh..................
How about facing/tackling the main issues huh?
She'll spew out all that Rhetoric about short skirts messing up the moral fabric(excuse the pun) of the society. Shio! Fabric wey don tear since tay tay. Abeg ja si free joo.

In the meantime, there's still $20 million dollars lost DAILY to Oil Bunkering from the Niger Delta
No healthcare
No Power(Greedy fools selfish fools)
Bad Roads
Billions of Dollars embezzled yearly.
We're still importing petrol into the country. Isn't that retarded? Just because of a few greedy fools
Workers are not paid for months on end, so they can't take care of their Daughters,
Kids need to feed and pay school fees/buy handouts just to get half an Education.

What's a girl to do?

Oya Carry Gun shoot me. Na me be gofment?

Who needs a title? (The Rant post)

* Sunny, I'm sorry for smacking you on the face this morning.
You see, i've had a shitty week at work and i've been looking forward to friday since monday morning.
I woke up earlier than usual to avoid driving through that senseless traffic, jumped in the shower and there was no water.
How could you not pump water? That's your fcuking Job. I don't care if you stayed up all night pumping water into the Swimming pool. How is that my business?Have you ever seen me swim? i'm from Abeokuta i don't do that swimming shit. The Whole point of paying a hectic Service Charge is to have Power and Water. And yeah, you bet it hurts to write out the cheque 'cause i'm not rich, and my Company isn't picking the tab, and it's just plain wrong to have to go to work on a "top and tail" shower. Abi do i look like Oyinbo to you?

And i know you'll probably never get on Blogger so you won't see this but maybe someday your kids will and they won't think i'm such a bad guy. Whatever!! I'm too miffed to apologise properly. Please don't do that nonsense again.





* God please let me get my hands on the neck of the motherfuckers that cleaned out my Sister's house yesterday whilst she was at work. I'm amazed shit like that can go down in a nice part of Essex.
God please this one time, deliver the motherfucking scum into my hands. I'll apologize later.



* Somebody tell Mr.Man to please fix the bloody road. How hard is it to fix a pothole? It's a fucking 10 mile stretch without an alternative route for now. Goddamn it just fix it PROPERLY!!!! You cannot patch up a laterite road with concrete. It's not rocket Science is it?
You've got to be Nigerian to buy a property for + 1 million dollars in Lekki and you spend 3 hours getting to work everyday. Has everyone gone nuts? I spoke to some agbaya the other day and he said "well, i have a new Honda Accord from work, so the Driver just drives and i read the morning papers" Ode Oshi. Please remind me to slap you when i'm old enough to.
How about we contribute some money and fix the little ditch? we can pay the money into GT Bank right by the pot hole.(GT Bank Lekki U listening?) Or i may just pay for the bloody thing meself. No i'm not rich, i'm just tired of getting out of the house at 5:30am. That shit is criminal.
Who exactly is responsible? Please give me a name. That's all i need.





*Miss Thing, I'm glad you're finally getting married to your Red Passport. I hope he brings you much Joy and Happiness. I pray the violence reduces or stop totally, If i could, i'd buy you a huge pair of Ferragamo sunglasses to shade you from the concerned questions/looks /stares.
Now at least when his hands go up against you, yours can go down and dial 999 since you're now Legit. Happy married life.





* Why is Ikoyi so expensive? 300 million naira for a property that isn't any more than a glorified dump?
Rain falls it's flooded, no drainage, most streetlights are dead, bad potholes, really bad potholes,(Kunle, that's a stupid question.Shebi i have an SUV biko! ) horn blaring, street hawkers selling everything from recharge cards to Agonyin beans and Bread, ramshackle security/mai guard post that is an absolute eye sore...the list goes on.
For that kind of dough you'll get prime real estate in most parts of the world.I don't get it. Can someone please explain the logic to me, I'm i missing something? Or is it just Plain Nigerian to pay over a million pounds sterling for a house with a filthy rubbish dump in front of it?





* Baby Girl, Why do i have to pay to get it off? i don't remember asking/forcing you to put it on.
If he can't stand seeing my name every time he goes down town, He can bloody well man up and cough up the dough.I ain't paying for no laser shit.
It's not the money it's the principle behind it. Capish?
NEXT!

Bored Stiff

I feel like breaking something!!!!!!
I'm at a Village in Wales called Magor, Monmoutshire. It's your typical Sheep Country.Goats outnumber humans in Wales 8-1 or thereabouts.
No, i'm not on holidays it's work stuff. There's nothing here to do but count sheep, and try and guess if the next train coming is First great Western/Eastern or Virgin.All the locals here do is drink at the pub and go home.
Some of this guys have never left Gwent. Most have never been to England.(Bristol/Swindon is just 20mins away). The young people here don't have any real objectives in life. The only two companies are the Telecom Consultancy firm i'm doing stuff at for a couple of weeks and err...The Brewery(Go figure).

I miss home, my Nephews, neices, My Fam.I'm running back to London this Weekend. Friday 5pm i don carry my bag dey go. I no send mehn.

No Sky/Setanta. That means no football.Just BBC Wales. I miss Naija mehn.

She Says...

I can't take this anymore. You wake up early and you're out walking about in the garden tending crops talking to the animals like you're Dr. Doolittle or something. You don't even talk to me anymore. It's just you and the damned Animals. Do you have to give each and every one of them a name? Can't they all have tags with Serial numbers or something?

I'm bored out of my mind with this place. No one to talk to, Nothing to do, I can't go for a manicure, I need a damned hair dryer, I need a microwave, or at least a bloody cooker. I can't keep eating raw stuff. That sh!t ain't on babe. I'm a grown woman i need someone to talk to. I need some TLC. I need some attention. And all you say is "baby please understand i have an Important job to do". Bull.

You're out with your Dad all day talking about all these Cosmic stuff. You're so happy babe.
Guess what? I'm not happy. I don't want to talk about the Cosmos, or Galaxies or Black holes and philosophy and all that Astrology sh!t. I want me some Tyra Omnibus, Some fashion News, Something,...Anything. I'm Bored Adam.

And i got news for you, I've seen you and your Dad having your "Boy's talk". I don't want you sleeping out there in the Garden. I'm gonna be there every single moment you shut your eyes for a cat nap. I don't want him taking out another rib and creating no other Woman. I'm all the Woman you need baby.Unpredictable, crazy Diva, Drama Queen, that's me. You're stuck with me baby so don't get sly on me. I see that look in your eyes and frankly, that sh!t ain't happening so forget it.
And yeah i'm PMSing, and i'm irritated, and i need a Chocolate bar. And i don't care where you get it from, if you have to go to the end of the world to get it, just get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or else i just might eat the bloody Apple, and give you a slice of it too.

P.S. I'm not bluffing.
Eve.

Escaped..Almost

So we didn't get beaten at the Nou Camp. It wasn't an awe inspiring performance either.
Rooney should have taken the Penalty.
Ronaldo looked more worried about the effects of the wind on his Hair.
I didn't have a "tummy ache". I didn't make an awful lot of noise either.I'm afraid for next tuesday.
Very afraid...