Notorious

There’s only one King.
Seen the Movie twice. Bought the bootleg, seen it thrice
Genius at it’s best.12 years down, Brighter than a zillion watt light bulb
Lyrics like you call ‘em
Metaphors that make you wake up with chills down your spine.
The Swag, Haters wondering how the fcuk does he do it?
Made them Dirty haters go get a fresh, crisp shirt
All the Catfights for you, Faye, Kimberly, Charli Baltimore…
All the guys claiming the Best friend title.
Guys who didn’t even get featured in the movie.
I guess there’s so long a script can get lol.
All the people you inspired lyrically. ME.
God Bless your Moms and your 2 kids.
There’s only one King of New York
There’s only one Christopher Wallace.
Only one Big Poppa.

Dance with my Father II (2Left feet)

Thank you Dad for being there.
It was nice to Dance with you last year
I've not been a poster boy for good behavior but you've been faithful
I didn't go to the movies but you saved me from the Armed robbers
Roof over my head, clothes on my back
A car to drive, Money to spend
For not letting me get burned in the stock exchange crash
Good health, Globe trotting
Good friends, my family...I still got issues with my Pops, (Lord help me)
Thanks for life
Thanks for Love... even them lying conniving psychotic B*** That give love a bad name
Thanks for divine protection
and even for those who've done me wrong...
For dumb gun wielding retards with very bad aim.
For the muppets who vandalized my Car back in Uni.
For the person that stole my Ready to die and reasonable doubt CD
For the Kora guy that bounced me from Proflex Gym.
For keeping me off the Alcohol since "99
Thanks lord for the Good memories also.
For that magical time as a kid.
for Obelix and Asterix
For TIN TIN and Captain Haddock, for Veronica and betty
Archie and Jughead, famous five and secret 7.
for Dancing with you second time around.
For making me hot like fiya. 32 Summers and counting.
For this quirky post.

Mr.Garmin

What happens when you know the answer to a question, and you still go ahead to ask.

Especially if the question na foolish question?

Two things will likely happen. The “Asker” gets a dirty slap from the “Askee”, provided the Slapper is older/bigger, has more grags, than the Slapee. and the most importantly Slaper is sure to a reasonable extent that Slapee does not have advanced were to retaliate.

For my own case na me go do pass myself. I was on my way to work early morning hoping the roads will be relatively traffic free and people will still be home snuggling up next to their better halves right? Wrong. (If your Husband wowo pass you how is he your better half?Anyway sha.)

Absolute gridlock at 6 in the morning. And I never even reach Lekki 2^nd round about, and the traffic looked endless. So what did I do? I whipped out Mr.Garmin and asked it to lead me to work.

Mr.Garmin says no problems. Do you want the quickest route?

Kunle: You dey ask me? Of course ke!

Mr.Garmin Plots my co-ordinates, says I’m on Lekki, tells me to bear left at the next junction 300 meters away.

Everybody and his Dog know that there is only one route from Lekki to Victoria Island shebi?

Mr.Garmin tells me to take the next right. As Oyinbo get plenty sense, maybe dem know road pass us, Me sef I follow like mumu.

(WARNING: Extreme Mumu-ness ahead. Please stop reading here if you get embarrassed at other people’s stupidity)

Mr.Garmin says drive 2.3 kilometers to coastal road and bear left at the first exit.

Eh hen! Shebi I talk am, all these dumb asses in traffic. The book I’m reading presently says to stay at least one step ahead of the crowd.

Ok. I’m a Slapee. Please go ahead and slap me because I deserve it.

The terrain got rougher, I still dey drive go

I’m blasting Hov’s Blue Magic. I’m feeling as fly as an Insect. My Music is always cranked up really high I know, Bad habit. You nko? You no get bad habit? Anyway,

That’s how I started seeing plenty coconut trees o, and the sand got whiter.

I still dey go.

I looked at the stupid Garmin thing, it showed Atlantic Ocean ahead.

So I paused, like a coma.

Then I screeched to a full stop.

I see an old man walking, I roll down my window, I can smell that distinct salty sea air.

The man shuffles slowly to me. “Oga se e fe ra fresh fish” very big Tilapia,

Fresh fish ko? Fillet Mignon steak and bread pudding ni, Nonsense.

I angrily make a u-turn

Garmin says it’s re-calculating. Oloshi, after almost carrying me into the ocean. I cast and bind all Mami Water Spirit that sent the thing to bring me to the bottom of the sea.

I’m calculating how many pieces to break the thing stupid thing into.

Anyway sha I get back to the road, to join the other *cough* dim-wit commuters on their daily grind. I had just wasted 20 minutes of my life. Why are you opening eye? You never do stupid thing before? Kpele o! Or because me I talk my own? Shio!

It goes without saying sha I was late to work.

Never again to Mami-water Garmin or Tom-Tom. I remember a few months ago my sister was going to drop me off at Paddington Station from Southend –on –sea

My Sis is probably worse than I am when it comes to locating places. And me ehn, I can’t find my way out of a match box. It’s official.

Na so we enter A13 dey go, then made several rubbish turns courtesy of Mr.Tom Tom. To sha cut a long tory short we ended up at Reading. I was late for my train to Cardiff, and we were out of Petrol in the middle of nowhere. I should have jumped ship and hopped on a train at Reading station, but my sister would have had my juicy ears for Suya. Lol.

Now, to more serious issues. If you can’t afford babies, please don’t have them. Kid’s are capital intensive. It takes a lot of planning and dedication and sacrifices, even for middle class parents that both work. You have to allocate a lot of resources to them until they are 18 if you live in the Western world, and until they are 35 if you live in Naija lol…

Also, if you’re not smart, marry a smart spouse so your kids don’t turn out to be as dumb as Donuts, but more importantly, if your spouse goes to the neighborhood ramshackle drug store to buy Teething powder for your baby, and he/she comes home with something called “My Pickin”, you should have enough smarts to pop it open and empty the poisonous contents on the said spouse’s head accompanied with a dirty Slap.

Yep, NAFDAC should have checked, but there’s only so much NAFDAC can do. I don’t think anybody has the right to feed any baby a medication called “My Pickin”.

I hope this doesn’t get swept under the carpet. Those innocent kids… Heads have to roll for this.

NB: In Case you’re wondering what I’m on about, there are kids(6months to 3 year olds) dying from Renal failure all over the country after their parents bought a certain teething powder called “My Pickin”.

So far the authorities are not doing anything apart from watching to see who’s got manicured fingernails from all the finger pointing going on.

Naija Rules

I'm sure Adamu would have logged on to his Hi-Tech Computer, Looked at the Hi Definition Monitor and screamed!!!! "Yeepa! Osanobua! They have struck".
I can imagine him walking down the long Corridor to his Oga's office. One gingerly step at a time until inevitably he gets to his Agbada wearing Oga's office.

Adamu: "Morin Sah"!

Agbada: "umm"(Looks up briefly from his Newspaper, barely acknowledging his presence with a grunt)

Adamu: "Sah we have a problem sah". (scratches head)

Agbada: "Umm" (Still frowning intently at the Sport pages)

Adamu: "I think sah that our Satellite is missing sah"

Agbada:(This Day newspaper dutifully drops) "Shege!! You mean somebody climbed the fence and stole our DSTV Dish"?

Adamu: "No sah i looked at the screen and i could..."

Agbada:"You mean the bastards took the Decoder..."

Adamu: "No sah, I mean sah, the Satellite in Space sah."

Agbada: They stole the Satellite in Space?" (Up and pacing the room, screaming). "Who? Niger Delta boys? Get me the IG on the phone".

Adamu: "Yes sah"

Agbada: I can't beleive this. This Country. That's how those Niger Delta boys stole a whole Ship.
In fact whilst you're at it, get me Rear Admiral Arogundade on the phone. He might have an idea. Maybe he saw any suspicious activities on the high seas".

Adamu: "The Admiral's phone is switched off sah".

Agbada: "Why"?

Adamu: "If you remember sah, According to the Navy, he got his uniform torn, and got beaten up by a Colonel's Daughter last week sah".

Agbada:" Oh that wild crazy Girl. Yes yes... Forget Harry". "Get the IG. Also, put the word out. There's a reward for any Satellite in space with a fresh coat of paint. Look closely if it has the Green and white colours of Nigeria underneath".

Adamu: "Yes Sir".

Agbada: "What are you still doing here? Oya out out out!!!!!"

Micro Economics.

Micro economy basically is how individuals allocate scarce resources to produce and distribute goods and services.

I'm not about to get all Nerdy on you so be cool. Be warned though, I'm gonna get a bit controversial on ya. Hold on to your hats folks.

First what's been happening to me? Nothing much really. Been taking one day at a time, another day another dollar/naira as the case may be, doing the 1-10 countdown whenever i see something that annoys the heck outta me. And trust me there's a lot out there to drive me nuts but i'm not even gonna go into that. My rant week is over. I'm my bubbly self all over again.

So sha, i went out on the town last night to have a drink with my Boy AY. He's got mad Cheddar and i'm good looking...(Oya Talk make i hear you) *hiss* Anyway So we pretty much have to beat the Ladies away with a Stick lol. Wetin i dey talk again sef? Ehen so i make my entrance and i see the same ol' Crowd hmm,Wannabees, Heavy-weighters, The Pros and the Cons...lol
I spot my Cousin with a girl i sabi from way back.
Hang on Didn't she do her trad Wedding last Christmas? Or two years ago? My Big Motor mouth Cuz hollers "Kunle"..
Oh well, I walk over smile, said hi, smack my Cuz on the head,
S'up Playboy?
I glance at the babe's left hand.
Ring's off.
Hi Onome
She says "Oh Kunle you've met my Cousin Remi"
Silence.
I'm looking like WTF? Oti o!
More Silence. ...Mouth Open
Wallahi, you coulda hit me with a Feather, and i'd be on the floor.
I'm thinking, I'm like Nah, This Heffer didn't just Introduce My own Cousin to me as her Cousin.
I thought i don heard everythang. This one takes the Carrot Cake.
The look on my Cousin's face, Priceless. Mastercard moment that.

You asked me what i did? Of course i called my Olori kodoro cousin and told him
"Eti e melo? (How many ears were you given at the Baby Factory?)
You've got one leg in the grave, and the other leg on a Banana peel Son.

So i sha walk back to my seat o, AY was chilling lazily having a drink. I swear the Dude is so laid back he's almost Horizontal. Haha... I sha gave him the Gist of the Onome Fiasco, I'm making a helluva lotta noise and i don't give a toss. A Shorty's looking at me from the Corner of her eyes
I turn to look at her fully.
Yeepa.
Omo, she looked like she got dressed in the dark. Mis-matched colours and all that.

I'm off tangent again shey? Ehen, So what set me on this course?

500 Naira note. How? I wanted to give the guy at the parking lot a tip. I thought i had a few 200 Naira notes in my Glove Compartment, Couldn't find any..(I wonder who steals loose change from my Car?) Anyway sha, I looked in my wallet 1k notes and 500 bucks.
No way i'm gonna give the Parking guy 500 bucks.
I searched the car thoroughly nothing at all, so i ended up giving the Old man the 500 be-be sha.

The moment the guy saw the money, i saw a big smile light up his face. Shebi you know that kind of smile that all your teeth will be outside like this? ehen, that one.
On my way home i kept pondering, thinking about different things, and how much 500 bucks meant to the Man on the Street in this very cold, hard unforgiving City.

I imagined that the Guy had a wife at home, (Hopefully 1 wife only) and maybe 3 kids (Usually more than 3 for that econo strata) but for arguments sake let's say 3.

He's at least 45-47 years old, and his take home pay as a parking attendant is probably about 10,000 a month(42 British Pounds monthly). That's about less than what you pay for Dinner for 2 at the joint he works.

So let's say he stays in a 1 room face me i slap you, and he pays 1200k monthly. I'm just pulling figures out of the air here but for arguments sake 1200k.
Transportation. He doesn't live on the Island like millions of other workers so another 2500k

He needs to feed, so thats say another 4500k

Utilities 1000k

Upkeep money he gives the Missus 2000k (At this point he's already in debt)

He probably has some extended family Dependants to sort out at least he's sha working.

I'm sure i've skipped stuff like Clothes, Drugs cause he lives in a malaria infested place.

The only way to supplement his income and keep hope alive...the tips he gets.

Looking deeper, i tried to imagine what if this 47 year old Man has a daughter, and he decides he has to send her to school so she can have a future?

So, baby girl is in a higher institution because she's reasonably bright but unreasonably broke.

Dad is barely employed, Mother sells fresh fruits, no chance of getting a temp job as an assistant in school, even the people with Masters degree sef no get work.
Lecturers insists you have to buy handouts or you fail, it's black and white. No grey areas. Each handout is sold at a minimum of 2500k for each course(or even More sef depending on the hunger level of the lecturer).

She doesn't even bother going home for money because she knows the Situ at home.

What's a girl to do?

Yup! You guessed right.

There are other chicks in school with Civil Servant/ working class parents who are a bit higher up the socio-economic ladder but are seriously struggling to survive in a country where nothing works, no welfare system, a few people have all the money and the other few are trying to get there so they can lord it over their former neighbours like "i don arrive"
You know that " Hello, ah ahn...long time...So you're still driving that old Car" or the female version...looking you up and mentally calculating your net worth by what you've got on and who made your shoes blah blah.
It's a tough stupid ego-driven unforgiving place Naija. Crabs in a 3rd world bucket.

Whats a girl to do?
I noticed it about 7 years ago, but then it had not been institutionalized. It had the whole "Under G" cloak draped around it. How about you take a trip down any of the nation's Campuses? I hear it's worse in those hidden Polytechnics in the middle of nowhere. You know all those Osun state Poly, Federal school of something or the other. These same Governors and politicians that can't fix bad roads, drainages, The same muppets that hold on to teachers salaries, will send a convoy of cars to these schools to pick up these kids for all sorts of outrageous trysts that will make Caligula look like an Alter boy.

Every single school in the country has it's clique of Runs people. It's a whole different society on it's own. Something shifted in the last 5 years. The Runs-less girls are in the Minority for the first time since 1984 when runs officially started.

The runs girls that were looked down upon a few years ago are now the La Bellas. They run the joint, they are in the limelight, socially accepted from the ''Low-end 5k thanks for coming(TFC)" to the high flying Weekend at Burj al Arab Dubai-shop-till-you-drop, Infinity Driving chicks.

They've arrived and it looks like they are here to stay. Endorsed by peers, parents who look the other way, Clergy men who receive the offerings/Tithes on Sundays, Lecturers who give them a 2:1 so they get the Bank jobs when the graduate, Even down to the Unilag boys who can't get none because the goodies have been exported to the more affluent Oil and Gas/telecoms/Bank boys, Politicos/Married guys looking for an official girlfriend/Yahoo boys (Yahoodlums) who get some whilst they can still maintain the Golf4 and get none when there is Mugu dry season and they're back on Campus Shuttle/Riding shotgun in Homies whip.


Wo, I'm not trying to point fingers here or anything o! I'm just flashing a light on a present reality which almost everyone seem to turn a blind eye to. E be like some major mass self denial thing going on.

Parents know what their Kids get up to, but frankly are powerless to do anything about it.They are still busy trying to survive.
The one's who have the clout have shipped off their kids to schools abroad from the Ivy leagues to the Community university.

How about the new "Religious Universities"? Mehn, don't even get me started... i'm not even gonna go there....

Madam Lawmaker is busy trying to ban short skirts and Cleavage revealing tops. There's more serious stuff going on that that Duh..................
How about facing/tackling the main issues huh?
She'll spew out all that Rhetoric about short skirts messing up the moral fabric(excuse the pun) of the society. Shio! Fabric wey don tear since tay tay. Abeg ja si free joo.

In the meantime, there's still $20 million dollars lost DAILY to Oil Bunkering from the Niger Delta
No healthcare
No Power(Greedy fools selfish fools)
Bad Roads
Billions of Dollars embezzled yearly.
We're still importing petrol into the country. Isn't that retarded? Just because of a few greedy fools
Workers are not paid for months on end, so they can't take care of their Daughters,
Kids need to feed and pay school fees/buy handouts just to get half an Education.

What's a girl to do?

Oya Carry Gun shoot me. Na me be gofment?

Who needs a title? (The Rant post)

* Sunny, I'm sorry for smacking you on the face this morning.
You see, i've had a shitty week at work and i've been looking forward to friday since monday morning.
I woke up earlier than usual to avoid driving through that senseless traffic, jumped in the shower and there was no water.
How could you not pump water? That's your fcuking Job. I don't care if you stayed up all night pumping water into the Swimming pool. How is that my business?Have you ever seen me swim? i'm from Abeokuta i don't do that swimming shit. The Whole point of paying a hectic Service Charge is to have Power and Water. And yeah, you bet it hurts to write out the cheque 'cause i'm not rich, and my Company isn't picking the tab, and it's just plain wrong to have to go to work on a "top and tail" shower. Abi do i look like Oyinbo to you?

And i know you'll probably never get on Blogger so you won't see this but maybe someday your kids will and they won't think i'm such a bad guy. Whatever!! I'm too miffed to apologise properly. Please don't do that nonsense again.





* God please let me get my hands on the neck of the motherfuckers that cleaned out my Sister's house yesterday whilst she was at work. I'm amazed shit like that can go down in a nice part of Essex.
God please this one time, deliver the motherfucking scum into my hands. I'll apologize later.



* Somebody tell Mr.Man to please fix the bloody road. How hard is it to fix a pothole? It's a fucking 10 mile stretch without an alternative route for now. Goddamn it just fix it PROPERLY!!!! You cannot patch up a laterite road with concrete. It's not rocket Science is it?
You've got to be Nigerian to buy a property for + 1 million dollars in Lekki and you spend 3 hours getting to work everyday. Has everyone gone nuts? I spoke to some agbaya the other day and he said "well, i have a new Honda Accord from work, so the Driver just drives and i read the morning papers" Ode Oshi. Please remind me to slap you when i'm old enough to.
How about we contribute some money and fix the little ditch? we can pay the money into GT Bank right by the pot hole.(GT Bank Lekki U listening?) Or i may just pay for the bloody thing meself. No i'm not rich, i'm just tired of getting out of the house at 5:30am. That shit is criminal.
Who exactly is responsible? Please give me a name. That's all i need.





*Miss Thing, I'm glad you're finally getting married to your Red Passport. I hope he brings you much Joy and Happiness. I pray the violence reduces or stop totally, If i could, i'd buy you a huge pair of Ferragamo sunglasses to shade you from the concerned questions/looks /stares.
Now at least when his hands go up against you, yours can go down and dial 999 since you're now Legit. Happy married life.





* Why is Ikoyi so expensive? 300 million naira for a property that isn't any more than a glorified dump?
Rain falls it's flooded, no drainage, most streetlights are dead, bad potholes, really bad potholes,(Kunle, that's a stupid question.Shebi i have an SUV biko! ) horn blaring, street hawkers selling everything from recharge cards to Agonyin beans and Bread, ramshackle security/mai guard post that is an absolute eye sore...the list goes on.
For that kind of dough you'll get prime real estate in most parts of the world.I don't get it. Can someone please explain the logic to me, I'm i missing something? Or is it just Plain Nigerian to pay over a million pounds sterling for a house with a filthy rubbish dump in front of it?





* Baby Girl, Why do i have to pay to get it off? i don't remember asking/forcing you to put it on.
If he can't stand seeing my name every time he goes down town, He can bloody well man up and cough up the dough.I ain't paying for no laser shit.
It's not the money it's the principle behind it. Capish?
NEXT!

Bored Stiff

I feel like breaking something!!!!!!
I'm at a Village in Wales called Magor, Monmoutshire. It's your typical Sheep Country.Goats outnumber humans in Wales 8-1 or thereabouts.
No, i'm not on holidays it's work stuff. There's nothing here to do but count sheep, and try and guess if the next train coming is First great Western/Eastern or Virgin.All the locals here do is drink at the pub and go home.
Some of this guys have never left Gwent. Most have never been to England.(Bristol/Swindon is just 20mins away). The young people here don't have any real objectives in life. The only two companies are the Telecom Consultancy firm i'm doing stuff at for a couple of weeks and err...The Brewery(Go figure).

I miss home, my Nephews, neices, My Fam.I'm running back to London this Weekend. Friday 5pm i don carry my bag dey go. I no send mehn.

No Sky/Setanta. That means no football.Just BBC Wales. I miss Naija mehn.