Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Didn't make it to the movies.

There’s a reason God keeps me here. I don’t know what it is yet and he ain’t talking yet but I’m gonna keep bugging him until he talks. I got his number on speed dial so if he plans on getting any sleep he’d better start talking fast. Ok he doesn’t sleep, but you know what I mean…

I was going to catch a Movie at Nu Metro. Kinda impromptu, but Coco suggested it and nobody turns Coco down. Mess with Miss Coco at your own risk mehn. (That’s not her real name but her forehead is harder than Badagry Coconut you dig?)
I’m not about to mess around and get a head butt or nuthink like that plus she’s a lot of Fun, hadn’t seen her in a hot minute all that sha. She’s good people.

The arrangement was she’ll drive down to my Casa, drop her Car, and we’ll take mine.
First, I don’t trust her driving. She drives like a Maniac, My Life Insurance isn’t up to scratch, and she plays Madonna cd’s all day long in her car. Somebody please suggest a quicker way to drive a guy round the bend.
So, she gets to my Estate, she had to go see a friend down my street, talk talk…you know how Women be right? I’m ready, impatiently drumming on the steering wheel, I’ve got Asa’s banging track 3 “Bibanke” on repeat till the second coming, I spy a mosquito, I try to kill it the little bastid escapes, I’m glancing at my watch, two black birds fly by, I hope they don’t drop bird shit on my freshly waxed car, I wait some more, I finally see her sashaying towards me ope o .Let’s roll.

We drive down to the gate, it’s late evening, beautiful Saturday sunset, I’m fly like an insect, fresh to death, GQ type casual gear you know how I be…lol I’m feeling alright.
Right by the edge of the road I see my neighbor’s house girl Ekaette. (Okay maybe that’s not her name but she be like Ekaete. Sue me shio!!) A Black Infinity SUV pulls up next to her. She smiles and hops in in one single fluid move. Yup, you bet your Mortgage I was curious so va vroom I level up next to the car just for a look see. It’s another Neighbors Driver Thad.. Okayee, I guess Thaddeus is getting some tonight. Hold on Dude’s a grown ass man and supposed to have kids I guess Ekaette isn’t very fussy. Wetin even consain me for the matter sef. Shey? I comot face.

I’m undecided whether to buy some Fuel at the VGC petrol station, with all the contaminated fuel being imported in recent weeks. I decide to move on. I’m trying to make a turn
Coco says “Kunle the guy in front of you has a Gun”
I turned to her, ready to say some smart-ass comment like “your forehead is scarier than a Gun”
Just as I opened my mouth ….Rat tat tat tat.
My internal processor speed must have been at an all time low. It took two seconds to process the information.
Coin finally drops.
That looks a helluva lot like the Gun in the Terminator movie…..
The mofo with the Gun is right in front of me eyeballing me……
I’m staring at the business end of an automatic assault riffle. (Somebody please slap me right now please! Thanks.)
Okay, Mumu period over. Gear in R, 180 degree turn, tyres screeching, Dust swirling, I made it to the other side of the road dong 120 miles an hour.
I realize I’m going the wrong direction so I turn back we decide to go back into VGC at least it’s safe…Yeah where have I heard that before?
The security guys at VGC had taken off their uniforms faster than a Thai hooker and fled.(Somebody call Guinness we got us here a new world record)
I saw a lady abandon her soccer mom type Minivan and make a dash for the bush. I’m not too sure if she left her kids in the car or not. An elderly gentleman with the a pot belly the size of the famous Afikpo Calabash left his driver in the car and was running zig zag like a demon was snapping at his heels. Wallahi if it wasn’t so serious it woulda been funny.
In the meantime, I’m as cool as a freezer. Calmly plotting plan B. Asa croons “bo jo ban ro/ fimi sile” on my CD player
I hit the road again, head back into my Estate, I see the same Black SUV at the other side of the road. the Car’s a complete wreck. There goes Ekaete’s date, and maybe Thaddeus’s Job. Oh well.
Everywhere is strangely calm, not a sound. I’m at my Estate Gate blaring my horn.
Where the Devil are the security guards?
I see a black face peep out of the little guard house.
He walks awkwardly towards the gate. (You know that Naija home video gateman walk…)
Then he stops right in the middle. He has this “deer caught in headlights” look
He pats his trousers. He’s left the keys. Or worse he’s lost it.
I see the bloody mosquito again. It’s too cold for it. Bastid disappears under the seat again.
Ms Coco is shouting Jesus Jesus.
Hey! Stop it already. His saving grace/ response time isn’t proportional to how loud you shout his name duh!!!
Another guard comes out with the right keys. I can see his hands trembling.
Mo gbe o!!!! These are the guys we pay a hefty service charge for…
Open the bloody gate man!! I’m preparing my riots act speech.
Gate finally opens I drive in. I open the Door, then hell fire erupts…
Rat tat tat tat tat... Rat tat tat. (Omo this one no be police o. Police guns go Pao, Pao)
I saw Ms Coco hit the floor. The security guard leaves the gate wide open and runs for dear life. Were oshi.
Shit!! I got my cream Armani suede shoes on. I take a quick look at the floor. Damn it’s dirty. I hesitate…. (abeg land me another slap).
The shots seem to get closer fo’real like in the movies.
I’m on the floor lol. Crawling to my house.
Ms Coco beats me to the my door. I’m wondering has she done this before?
Shit!! I forgot my keys in the Car.(This time bulala/koboko required on my booty walahi)
I crawl back, all the way to the car pick the keys, bullets whistling past my head… okay not really but you sha get the point? The guns were louder than a mofoa.
I’m back in the house, all the lights are off, sitting on the floor ( In retrospect did I think I was more at risk sitting on the settee?) Abeg free me. I felt safer on the floor right there and then. lol.
I’m trying to text my family across the road at VGC to stay home and not go anywhere.
Have you ever tried texting with gunfire in the background? No, I don’t mean from your Home theater’s surround sound watching Matrix reloaded. I’m talking some Shina Rambo type real mofoa letting loose. My brain froze mehn… I couldn’t spell nada.

An hour later and one bazillion spent cartridges later, we all emerged from all the koro’s (dark corners) in our houses, I can imagine some grown ass men will be under the Bed or something. At least na only siddon I siddon for floor.
We all started trading horror stories. From the Believable to the ahem Cough…. Em far fetched.
Mr.Celtel that story about 3 Girls in micro-mini, and Standard Israeli Army Issue Uzi Submachine guns shaking down a Bank at Yaba was a bit ‘em well you know,.. I mean C’mon dude! Did they wear halter tops too? Plus you had a glint in your eye when you were narrating the tales by moonlight story and your wife was there. Fantasies are what they are. Fantasies. If you keep that up you’ll have to sing for your Burnt Dinner every night. Ask Paul Mc cartney.
I haven’t seen Eka / Thaddeus since.

All in all God came through for me yet again. I’m so thankful.
A day in the life.
I still need to figure out what to do with my shoes….