Friday, November 28, 2008


What happens when you know the answer to a question, and you still go ahead to ask.

Especially if the question na foolish question?

Two things will likely happen. The “Asker” gets a dirty slap from the “Askee”, provided the Slapper is older/bigger, has more grags, than the Slapee. and the most importantly Slaper is sure to a reasonable extent that Slapee does not have advanced were to retaliate.

For my own case na me go do pass myself. I was on my way to work early morning hoping the roads will be relatively traffic free and people will still be home snuggling up next to their better halves right? Wrong. (If your Husband wowo pass you how is he your better half?Anyway sha.)

Absolute gridlock at 6 in the morning. And I never even reach Lekki 2nd round about, and the traffic looked endless. So what did I do? I whipped out Mr.Garmin and asked it to lead me to work.

Mr.Garmin says no problems. Do you want the quickest route?

Kunle: You dey ask me? Of course ke!

Mr.Garmin Plots my co-ordinates, says I’m on Lekki, tells me to bear left at the next junction 300 meters away.

Everybody and his Dog know that there is only one route from Lekki to Victoria Island shebi?

Mr.Garmin tells me to take the next right. As Oyinbo get plenty sense, maybe dem know road pass us, Me sef I follow like mumu.

(WARNING: Extreme Mumu-ness ahead. Please stop reading here if you get embarrassed at other people’s stupidity)

Mr.Garmin says drive 2.3 kilometers to coastal road and bear left at the first exit.

Eh hen! Shebi I talk am, all these dumb asses in traffic. The book I’m reading presently says to stay at least one step ahead of the crowd.

Ok. I’m a Slapee. Please go ahead and slap me because I deserve it.

The terrain got rougher, I still dey drive go

I’m blasting Hov’s Blue Magic. I’m feeling as fly as an Insect. My Music is always cranked up really high I know, Bad habit. You nko? You no get bad habit? Anyway,

That’s how I started seeing plenty coconut trees o, and the sand got whiter.

I still dey go.

I looked at the stupid Garmin thing, it showed Atlantic Ocean ahead.

So I paused, like a coma.

Then I screeched to a full stop.

I see an old man walking, I roll down my window, I can smell that distinct salty sea air.

The man shuffles slowly to me. “Oga se e fe ra fresh fish” very big Tilapia,

Fresh fish ko? Fillet Mignon steak and bread pudding ni, Nonsense.

I angrily make a u-turn

Garmin says it’s re-calculating. Oloshi, after almost carrying me into the ocean. I cast and bind all Mami Water Spirit that sent the thing to bring me to the bottom of the sea.

I’m calculating how many pieces to break the thing stupid thing into.

Anyway sha I get back to the road, to join the other *cough* dim-wit commuters on their daily grind. I had just wasted 20 minutes of my life. Why are you opening eye? You never do stupid thing before? Kpele o! Or because me I talk my own? Shio!

It goes without saying sha I was late to work.

Never again to Mami-water Garmin or Tom-Tom. I remember a few months ago my sister was going to drop me off at Paddington Station from Southend –on –sea

My Sis is probably worse than I am when it comes to locating places. And me ehn, I can’t find my way out of a match box. It’s official.

Na so we enter A13 dey go, then made several rubbish turns courtesy of Mr.Tom Tom. To sha cut a long tory short we ended up at Reading. I was late for my train to Cardiff, and we were out of Petrol in the middle of nowhere. I should have jumped ship and hopped on a train at Reading station, but my sister would have had my juicy ears for Suya. Lol.

Now, to more serious issues. If you can’t afford babies, please don’t have them. Kid’s are capital intensive. It takes a lot of planning and dedication and sacrifices, even for middle class parents that both work. You have to allocate a lot of resources to them until they are 18 if you live in the Western world, and until they are 35 if you live in Naija lol…

Also, if you’re not smart, marry a smart spouse so your kids don’t turn out to be as dumb as Donuts, but more importantly, if your spouse goes to the neighborhood ramshackle drug store to buy Teething powder for your baby, and he/she comes home with something called “My Pickin”, you should have enough smarts to pop it open and empty the poisonous contents on the said spouse’s head accompanied with a dirty Slap.

Yep, NAFDAC should have checked, but there’s only so much NAFDAC can do. I don’t think anybody has the right to feed any baby a medication called “My Pickin”.

I hope this doesn’t get swept under the carpet. Those innocent kids… Heads have to roll for this.

NB: In Case you’re wondering what I’m on about, there are kids(6months to 3 year olds) dying from Renal failure all over the country after their parents bought a certain teething powder called “My Pickin”.

So far the authorities are not doing anything apart from watching to see who’s got manicured fingernails from all the finger pointing going on.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Naija Rules

I'm sure Adamu would have logged on to his Hi-Tech Computer, Looked at the Hi Definition Monitor and screamed!!!! "Yeepa! Osanobua! They have struck".
I can imagine him walking down the long Corridor to his Oga's office. One gingerly step at a time until inevitably he gets to his Agbada wearing Oga's office.

Adamu: "Morin Sah"!

Agbada: "umm"(Looks up briefly from his Newspaper, barely acknowledging his presence with a grunt)

Adamu: "Sah we have a problem sah". (scratches head)

Agbada: "Umm" (Still frowning intently at the Sport pages)

Adamu: "I think sah that our Satellite is missing sah"

Agbada:(This Day newspaper dutifully drops) "Shege!! You mean somebody climbed the fence and stole our DSTV Dish"?

Adamu: "No sah i looked at the screen and i could..."

Agbada:"You mean the bastards took the Decoder..."

Adamu: "No sah, I mean sah, the Satellite in Space sah."

Agbada: They stole the Satellite in Space?" (Up and pacing the room, screaming). "Who? Niger Delta boys? Get me the IG on the phone".

Adamu: "Yes sah"

Agbada: I can't beleive this. This Country. That's how those Niger Delta boys stole a whole Ship.
In fact whilst you're at it, get me Rear Admiral Arogundade on the phone. He might have an idea. Maybe he saw any suspicious activities on the high seas".

Adamu: "The Admiral's phone is switched off sah".

Agbada: "Why"?

Adamu: "If you remember sah, According to the Navy, he got his uniform torn, and got beaten up by a Colonel's Daughter last week sah".

Agbada:" Oh that wild crazy Girl. Yes yes... Forget Harry". "Get the IG. Also, put the word out. There's a reward for any Satellite in space with a fresh coat of paint. Look closely if it has the Green and white colours of Nigeria underneath".

Adamu: "Yes Sir".

Agbada: "What are you still doing here? Oya out out out!!!!!"