Friday, September 18, 2009

And in the news today...

3 Undergraduates of the University of Abuja got arrested for attempted Kidnapping of 2 Federal Ministers. Prince Adetokunbo Kayode and Dr.Sam Egwu. (What's up with all these guys and Titles sef?)
Ransom Money: 300 Million Naira.
and err... a signed promise by the Federal Government to end the ASUU strike.

The Inspector General of Police says he's not aware Mallam Nuhu Ribadu was in Nigeria for Late Gani Fawehinmi's Funeral.
He's asking the good citizens of Nigeria to send him pictures of Ribadu in Nigeria. Then he'll believe.
Apparently the Chief Security officer of the country does not read the papers, or pics in the Newspapers were photoshopped. lol.
I'm not even going to say nothing about this one. I love crisp, fresh linen Sheets on my bed, Air-conditioning, Play station 3, Blueberry Cheesecakes.... none of these can be gotten from a Nigerian Prison. Nuff said.

There's Bank holiday on Monday and Tuesday. Yay!!!!! For the first time, I wanna hug every Muslim in sight.
That's one helluva long ass weekend man.

The US Govt has thrown out the appointment of the Nigerian ambassador Tunde Adeniran.
Looks like he's got a naughty son who can't seem to stay out of trouble.
The Nigerian government are busy begging the Yanks to re-consider. Shebi na the pickin cause wahala not Baba 'Damola! It's just small Ogbanje that is worrying the boy now! Haba! You sef no get pickin?
Adedamola Adeniran is facing charges for multiple Gang rape, and has a previous criminal record for Car theft and Credit card Identity theft.

Now my personal favorite news of the day. Wait for this, this takes the biscuit
2 Men, Okechukwu Kenneth Enyinnaya and Samson Nwachukwu sat down under the Mango tree in front of Okechukwu’s house one lazy Sunday Afternoon and
Dreamed up their own version of the classic Kidnap extortion plan.
Hey everyone else is doing it right? So why can’t we?
So they got the number of a Spaghetti eating Italian expat dude living in Abuja, loaded up 500 naira worth of Glo Airtime Credits from the Mallam next door on credit..pun Intended, and then rang up Luigi. Listen up mate, We’re Assasins. Pay 1.2 Million Naira or we’ll come turn off your bloody lights mate!
Luigi says ok give me your account number and I’ll wire the money into it.
Dumb and Dumber did just that. Lol. They texted him their account details and strolled off to the Closest Branch to their Mango tree hang out to pick up the cash.
Luigi is back home eating Spaghetti and having a laugh with Mario.
Tweedledee and Tweedledum just broke the Naija record for daftest crime ever.
And their sorry butts are in Jail. Stupid fucks.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Nollywood Banks

In the News the Ibru's i hear took a drive down to the Village to implore their dead ancestors to sort out the CBN Governor.
How many ways to kill a Civil Servant?
"Strangulation by his red bow tie will be preferred" they said
"it shall be done my Children" says the ancestor.

They drop the ghana must go, with crisp 1000 Naira notes, and Bottles of Vintage Krug for the Ancestors as they exit.
(The Ibru Ancestors, unlike your own impoverished dead folks who are quite content with Seamans Schnapps, are proper Old Money, blue blooded Ikoyi -cemetery living folks. That Kolanut Libation shit isn't gonna fly Geddit?)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Temptation (Summer of '99)

...Who trespass against us
Please lead me NOT into temptation....

It was the Devil's fault. She wasn't supposed to like me
this is wrong. Whichever way you turn it, it's still the wrong angle.
It was just fun and games not a Jump-Off
She wasn't supposed to catch feelings....
She wasn't supposed to take me seriously
I need to back-track
before i properly Sin
from Just the Tip inside....back to hugs...back to "Hey What's up?"
and trust me it's harder for me. I have to shake Dude's hand and look him in the eye.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

It's Facebook

That's why i haven't been updating my Blog. That nosy application that never seem to be able to make any money for the developer, has somehow managed to take me away from my Internet Mistress. No not Buffie the Body, dumbass!!!! Blogger.

And all of ya'll that read my Blog and show up on FB trying to add me, i don't know you like that haba! I have about 75 friend request pending and i have no idea who this peeps are. There's one dude that looks like the love child of Segun Arinze and Eucharia whatsherface. Seriously, i had nightmares. At least put up a little note saying blah blah from Blogger. I probably still won't add you as my friend except you're cute mami and have a Lollipop fixation, you like sweet things...not in a bad way. But you sha get the gist.
I'm just trying to get Psychos off my case. Please understand. I've been through too much, and I've only just survived a Stalker experience.

Long Story. Involves an after hours drink at Swe Bar with a friend of mine Surrey-Girl, and her friend that i just met who looked like she started getting dressed just as Nepa took light. I mean some jenifa combinasion of slifa and green, and she spoke with a mixture of Urhobo and Australian accent.And just as i thought it couldn't get any worse, another were girl that accosted me on the way to the bathroom with her Business card, who turned out to be a Cele Church going, Candle burning Psychopath. No, she was not wearing a white garment that day. The story long i no fit talk am here and now.

My cable company has lost the rights to show Premiership footie for a couple years now, and this season they've just lost the bid for broadcasting Champions League.
So, now i'm forced to watch El Mustachios prancing around la liga with their newest hair spray pansy Christiano Ronaldo.
Or watch Huddersfield play Coventry in the FA Cup Yawn...
Or watch Big brother Africa, filled with only Guys with no babes in the house yet, and if and when the girls show up, there ain't no shower hour.
Just watch a bunch of low lifes for picking their noses on live television. I think not. Thank you very much. Looks like a good time to read for that exam.

Isoko, i miss you come back to Lagos. Kes where the heck are you? They've since invented a device called a mobile phone. You don't have to haul a Pager around no more. lol Hola!
Dennar, I've updated so stop stressing me or else I'll spill all your dirty secrets to your Wife.
That's burnt dinners for a year. Yup! I'm evil!!!!!!
Relax mate, just kidding. Everybody else Hola!

This is not the News

Okay so Cecilia got nabbed trying to escape in Broda Jimoh's "second hand" Private Jet. She almost made it but the bloody plane made more noise than a Molue.
EFCC heard the noise right from their office, got their and promptly arrested her plumpness.
Jimoh has since sent the Plane to the U.K for a tune up.
Moral of the story. Don't buy second hand Jets. If you have to buy a second hand Jet, get professionals to service it.
If you need to do a quick getaway, make sure your getaway vehicle is not a used Jet belonging to Uncle Jimoh, and serviced by the same guys that change the Tyre on his Car Morufu the Mechanic and his kid brother Jellili.
Also learn from the Pros who have done this successfully. Wole Soyinka only needed a NY Yankees hat, Sunglasses and a bit of Swagger to stroll across Seme Border.
Alams was a bit more erm... imaginative. Cross dressing and all that. Freaky sonofa. lol.

Erastus isn't exactly sipping Tetleys at his London Apartment. Interpol and all that. I hear Caves are at a premium in some certain countries. I'm not saying anything tho'.

This morning, i had a brain wave. I realized how far wrong the Bloody Americans were. The solution to the Credit Crunch is a very simple one.
See, the Nigerian Central Bank bailed out 5 banks by doing something simply ingenious. They printed out 420 Billion Naira in Mint 1,000 notes, Stuffed the cash in duffel Bags, and handed it to the Banks like Christmas packages.
See? Simple solutions for difficult problems. Banks need bail out money, Nigerian Government Prints bail out money. End of Discussion. i mean, Even Idi Amin could do it. So i don't understand why the Yanks don't get it? lol.
At this rate Naija will take over the world. My mate says Nepa just might be able to provide electric power for the Americans. (Anything is possible. You just believe)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


There’s only one King.
Seen the Movie twice. Bought the bootleg, seen it thrice
Genius at it’s best.12 years down, Brighter than a zillion watt light bulb
Lyrics like you call ‘em
Metaphors that make you wake up with chills down your spine.
The Swag, Haters wondering how the fcuk does he do it?
Made them Dirty haters go get a fresh, crisp shirt
All the Catfights for you, Faye, Kimberly, Charli Baltimore…
All the guys claiming the Best friend title.
Guys who didn’t even get featured in the movie.
I guess there’s so long a script can get lol.
All the people you inspired lyrically. ME.
God Bless your Moms and your 2 kids.
There’s only one King of New York
There’s only one Christopher Wallace.
Only one Big Poppa.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Dance with my Father II (2Left feet)

Thank you Dad for being there.
It was nice to Dance with you last year
I've not been a poster boy for good behavior but you've been faithful
I didn't go to the movies but you saved me from the Armed robbers
Roof over my head, clothes on my back
A car to drive, Money to spend
For not letting me get burned in the stock exchange crash
Good health, Globe trotting
Good friends, my family...I still got issues with my Pops, (Lord help me)
Thanks for life
Thanks for Love... even them lying conniving psychotic B*** That give love a bad name
Thanks for divine protection
and even for those who've done me wrong...
For dumb gun wielding retards with very bad aim.
For the muppets who vandalized my Car back in Uni.
For the person that stole my Ready to die and reasonable doubt CD
For the Kora guy that bounced me from Proflex Gym.
For keeping me off the Alcohol since "99
Thanks lord for the Good memories also.
For that magical time as a kid.
for Obelix and Asterix
For TIN TIN and Captain Haddock, for Veronica and betty
Archie and Jughead, famous five and secret 7.
for Dancing with you second time around.
For making me hot like fiya. 32 Summers and counting.
For this quirky post.