Wednesday, November 21, 2007


I'm amazed at God's willingness to Bless me. Regardless of whatever I've been up to.
I've got nothing else to say than Thank You Jesus. Thanks for looking out for me.

Thursday, November 15, 2007


I was supposed to be there for you
I really want to be there for you
I mean, i really ought to right?
Seemed like your hour of need came and i couldn't help.
To you i wouldn't help.
You can't understand why
you squeeze my arms, reminding me we're best friends
I tried so hard to go out on a limb.
My limbs don't exist.
You squeeze my arm harder.
How do i explain to you
you're squeezing a plastic arm
The Moon comes up i still say NO
You say you'll accept, but not understand.
I'm helpless and Angry at the same time.
Mad at you for the Squeeze
Mad at me for not being a Rock for you.
Mad at the way things are.
Just plain fcuking mad at myself


I need to cop Jigga's American Gangster CD. Heck, i might even cop the real thing.
I haven't looked forward to buying new music since...well Since Reasonable doubt.
All the Reviews got me fiending.

And to the Mofo that stole my Reasonable Doubt CD, Flipped the case open, and replaced it with his/her Scratched, Skipping Vanilla Ice CD. That wasn't exchange that was stealing. And someday somebody gonna steal your new Black Benz S 600V12 from your Garage, and leave you with a Yellow, smoky, 1974 VW Beetle.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


Still battling with the Flu. So, naturally i'm depressed. Loads of work to do and no motivation.
Still as broke as a plate. Something gotta give soon. Or else i'll do what i did back in '99.

No, i didn't rob a bank you Donut. I emptied my Bank account and wrote a check to my Church. Yep, yep. 7 days later i got the exact amount back. 3 days after that somebody i hadn't seen in years gave me 500 pounds. Yup, just like that. A few days, a few hundred quid and 2 pairs of shoes later i felt overwhelmed i actually cried. No, Not mumu crying like Naija home video o. Tears of joy at the sheer magnificence of God. Co-incidence? Warrever jo. It works for me sha all the time so na you know.

Went to the bank after Lunch. Traffic was unripe Bananas. Just sat there in the car listening to my old Jill Scott CD. (No, it's not Bootleg thank you very much. I paid 13:99 for that shiit).
An Okada broke the side mirror of the Car in front of me. The Silly Okada guy slowed down momentarily, showed the guy in the car his spread five fingers (Equivalent of giving him the finger if you be Ajebo.) then zoomed off in that zig zag way only a Lagos Bike man can pull off.
I changed lanes sharpish. The guy still had his mouth open as i passed him. *Let's take a long walk around the park after dark*

I got to the junction and the stupid traffic Cop was busy gisting with the Girl selling Puff Puff or Buns or wharrever. I mean he'd pass five cars,
gist with the girl,
then pass two cars,
smile at the girl with his dirty brown teeth,
girl smiles back
* find a spot for us to spark conversation, verbal elation, stimulation*
.... grease from the Puff puff evaporating in the hot sun adding to the worsening Global Warming Issue

Quarter of an hour in this mother, I'm thinking "Kunle park your damned whip, open up the bonnet like something done broke, get on an Okada, (pray to God your Car doesn't get nicked) get to the Bank sharpish, come back, smile at everybody and drive off".
I thought about getting out in that hot Sun...Man, i dropped the idea faster than Paul Robinson will drop a ball. Sorry Spuds i couldn't resist.

I finally get to Standard bloody Chartered. This gentleman was backing out of the parking lot i waited for him, indicated that i was going to park in his place, i was just generally being a nice law abiding guy. Jill Scott was on that "Maybe we can take a Cruise, and listen to the Roots, and eat some passion fruit shiit". Got me Reminiscing.
I don't know maybe i got carried away with the whole thing sha. The next thing one Were woman just parked in the space i had been patiently waiting for. I was like "nah, this Binsh didn't just do that". My mind told me to just chill make i no fight. I dey serious. E be like say na Holy Spirit talk to me sef. Nonsense! Why you come dey open eye now? Devil Pickin.

Anyway i sha went to park outside and did the long walk back into the Bank. I got to the Door and i swear this has to be the funniest thing i've seen this month.

Banks in Naija now have this Capsule like doors that allows only one person in at a time and is made of Transparent Bullet-proof glass. If you have any Metal objects on your person, it tells you to get your fat arse out. If you are clean, the outer door closes, you're in the Capsule for about two seconds while some yawn inducing music plays in the thing, then the inner door opens and you come out into the Banking hall.

Ok, Apparently this lady pushes the Button, gets in, the door glides shut, then some guy with Adidas Sneakers with a Nike Swoosh sign pushes the Button inside the Bank, then the Security guard outside pushes the button simultaneously outside the Bank.
Guess what? the bloody Door jams.
Guess who's trapped in the Closet. Yup! The Were Woman that "chanced" me out of my Parking space 5 minutes earlier. Buhahaha.

God forgive me. I didn't wanna do it, but i couldn't resist.
I didn't stick my tongue out for too long. hehehe. Just short quick flicks and Elephant ears just once.
I swear the woman grew a beard in there. lol. Ok maybe she had a beard before sha i'll never know hahahaha.

The Bank guys finally prised the door open after about 6 minutes of profuse sweating, and smelling her own farts.
Good thing she didn't come into the Bank. I think she just went back home. The Woman for so beat me ehn?

Got back into the VI Traffic Ms Scott suggests * Maybe we can just roll a tree, and feel the breeze and listen to the symphony*.......*Elevations, Maybe baby we can save a nation come on...come on*


Monday, November 12, 2007


Just had lunch staring at my PC trying to decide what the heck to do first. My Desk looks like an Earthquake just happened. (Yeah Kunle so what's new?)

I've had issues with my Laptop for a month. The Bloody thing died on me, i got the hard disk changed then the keyboard refused to work, that got replaced, now my mouse pad has gone south. Okay, so i kukuma just got one of these wireless mice pending the time the support guys come fix the bloody thing.

How about i'm having a laugh in the office and my Boy J and i are arguing about what will pass as a real date or not. And where do you draw the line between having a date and just doing lunch. You know those kind of mumu arguments you have when you've just had lunch, and your brain..well you know how it is...

Then this guy walks in to my office and the conversation stops.
The guy be like, well, make i no abuse person na Monday. E sha be like pesin pickin. lol
and he had a dodgy looking bag wey be like Babalawo bag. I come fall back say egba mi o. Wetin dis one dey find o.

Then he clears his throat and says "I haf come to screw your Keyboard"!!!!!!!!

I no even fit type again mehn.... I still dey laugh. hehehehe.

Saturday, November 10, 2007


It's 1:45 am and i can't sleep. I have a blasted flu took some Antihistamines (However the heck it's spelled sha). ...completely messed up my sleep cycle.
Saw a Bloody accident on 3rd mainland Bridge this morning. This country ehn i swear takes the Piss completely. Dead bodies on the floor in a pool of blood and people in throngs with their hands on their heads and their mouths open. No body doing jack. Then the popo came guns all up in the air like what! Mad traffic. ...I asked the guy in the lane next to mine what the mofo Police had their guns out like that for. The dude says to scare off looters.
"Hall dis pipu halways steal GSM for inside haccident"
Then my mouth swung open too. WTF?
200 bystanders on the damned bridge no ambulance, no paramedics, nada. Just mofo's with their hands on their heads running around in a frenzy of excitement at the sight of so much blood. Ya'll go watch the telly or something!!! Nah i forgot no NEPA. My bad.
Sometimes i think everybody in this country is sick. How about getting the basic things right and stop harassing girls in short skirts and slim fits. Mr Guv? Prioritize. And fix the bloody roads and no sir, i don't mean patching Asphalt roads with concrete. That's plain retarded innit? I'm sick of making a 10 mile journey in 3 hours. Geddit? Ok Rant over.

My Cousin B got someone to clean up my crib today. About time too. Pizza boxes all over the place, ice cream bowls in the sink, half eaten Chinese takeout in the fridge, orishirishi let me spare ya'll the gory-nesss if the word exists. Sha my crib's looking like mint again yay.

3pm Bought some Groceries and just dumped everything in the kitchen. Played Fifa 2007 for an hour or three, then hauled my ass into bed.

My good Friend Ms Williams calls. "Kunle you home"?

Yup. "What's up"?*sounding sleepy*

"I'm at VGC just checking on you. You okay"?

"em... not really" *Sounding sick* "i got a flu and i don't have anything for chow"

"awww poor baby i'll pop in and see you later okay"?

"You want me to get you anything"?

"Nah thanks mami. I did some shopping i'm just too sick to get up and cook"

"No problems kunle. I'll pop in and see you in a bit"

She does pop in. I point her in the general direction of the kitchen, me i point myself in the general direction of my Bedroom, get under my duvet and back to sleeping.
She wakes me up 2 hours later, food is ready. Omo, she threw down in a Major way. Orishirishi stew, soup, rice and Dodo. After eating sef i still open my moth tell am say the pepper was a tad much. Shey she no know say i be Aje butter?
I know what you want to ask.. No she didn't woz me slap. lol. She's tres nice. Got a heart of Gold. She just smiled and i saw her off to her car.

Thanks Ms Williams for not pouring hot oil on my yellow face. Mere mortals wouldn't have given it a second thought. Rubbish i dey cook for you, you dey snooze. hehehe. I gotta pull off that Kunle in distress move more often. Shiit seems to work lol.

I'm jamming Hov's Kingdom come at 1am. Only in Naija mehn. Last time and place i tried that shiit the weather was cold, the wrinkly oyinbo binsh was even colder. Threatened to call the Popo on my ass. Silly cow.

This first track does something to me i can't explain it.
"Just sent a million dollars through a hands free
That's big money talk can you answer me
before the answer was a 3
i was down in Georgetown
with a Hoya chic
Lawyer chic''.....

"Forget this Rap shiit i need a new hustle
A little bit of everything
a new improved Russle.
I say that reluctantly 'cause i do Hustle
As you see i can't leave that means i do love you....."

Happy Birthday Soji. Now that you're one year older your girl's gonna get on your case to marry buhahaha... meanwhile, You owe me money Nigg. Remember?

Thursday, November 8, 2007


What are the odds of getting knocked down by a car 3 times on the same day?
I'm calling this Onigbese guy wey they owe me money. He says he's in the Hospital and Moto jam am for the 3rd time today. Which kain Mumu excuse be that?
If i can't get my Money can i at least run you over the fourth time? Were oshi.

I remember the day i almost got run over. I had dashed down to the Neighborhood Drug store to get something. Why you dey ask me what did i buy? Wetin concern you?.
Anyway sha, there was a long ass queue and this guy in front of me in very starched blue brocade, and a loud gold wrist-watch, had his Daughter maybe about 4 years old on his shoulders. Me i was thinking to myself like "How does it feel to be carried by such a short Daddy?"
As in the Guy no go fit pass 5"3 max.
I was about hoping that the girl mama go tall small at least to give the girl some hope. That's how the girl started making funny faces at me o.
Before nko? Of course i stuck my tongue out too, and did Elephant ears for the girl. This small girl no sabi me sef. Ask about me from your Mummy i probably beat her at making silly faces 25 years ago and i didn't just stop there. I must have at the least pulled her hair at the playground, played Doctors and Nurses *wink*, ate her Lunch and did stuff i cant tell you about with Pencil Sharpeners that had mirrors. Ehen, No try me o.
So sha the girl finally gave up and turned her face after realizing that this grown ass man na Agbaya.
A minute later omo, that's how the little girl started crying o. Like in proper hysterics.
Naturally i got curious as in wetin go make this girl scream like this. Small girl wey i do scary face for wey no even send at all.
Ashe, na the Chick for the Check out counter they fear the baby. I come move forward say what's going on here? I really couldn't see what the problem was as pe the babe dey very alright. Hair au naturiel, had on a beige number that flattered her shape, and showed the curves, and a friendly looking face,
then she Smiled....

What can i tell you? I've seen horror movies that didn't scare me half that much. As in i walked to the parking lot in a hazy daze, and i almost got knocked down. (Speaking of which Abbey where is my money? Ma je ki n display were fun e o. *Last Warning*).

That Dentition still makes me shudder. Come to think of it the babe had a ring on her finger. (Yes ke? I always look. Na crime?) So one Brave man marry, put am for house. My boy Kes asked "does she give him brain"? I was like Ode, Are you even grown enough to ask that question?

Kes you sef dey owe me money shebi? You have 2 weeks to make some cheddar off of that Wedding TV show or whatever the fookyou're calling that show of yours. My eye is shooking y'heard?

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

3:08 pm Wednesday Nov 7

I'm sitting at my Desk forcing myself to focus on all the things i need to sort ouot.
and it's just Wednesday. I need a damned holiday and I'm as broke as a plate. And i need a new Ipod, and i need to Throw out the factory default front loading CD Player in my car and cop an Upgrade. Who the hell still plays CD's in their cars anyway? And all my Cd's sef na Bootleg from Chijioke my favorite CD Bootlegger on the Corner of Adetokunbo Ademola. And i need a new wardrobe, and i need to get some Cheesecake after work, and i need a Massage....for free, and i need a million dollars. Why my Papa no get money sef? When all im mates dey chop contracts and 10% kickback since tay tay, the man dey talk Integrity and Professional ethics.
Why you dey look me now? If your Papa thief public funds and he needs to adopt a Son ....(Smile)

I think about the darndest things at the most inappropriate times. I just remembered I've run out of Tissue Paper i need to pick some up on my way home.
Oops today is my Sister's Birthday. Happy Birthday Sis. Love ya. I need to make that call before i get disowned lol.
I need to get Common's new Joint BE i heard it's tite. There's no way I'm paying 4,000 on that at Nu Metro. I'll need to call Chijioke to get a 200 buck bootleg. Plays like the real thing when you rip it no be so? Why you dey squeeze face? Shio. Abeg face front.