Temptation (Summer of '99)

...Who trespass against us
Please lead me NOT into temptation....

It was the Devil's fault. She wasn't supposed to like me
this is wrong. Whichever way you turn it, it's still the wrong angle.
It was just fun and games not a Jump-Off
She wasn't supposed to catch feelings....
She wasn't supposed to take me seriously
I need to back-track
before i properly Sin
from Just the Tip inside....back to hugs...back to "Hey What's up?"
and trust me it's harder for me. I have to shake Dude's hand and look him in the eye.

It's Facebook

That's why i haven't been updating my Blog. That nosy application that never seem to be able to make any money for the developer, has somehow managed to take me away from my Internet Mistress. No not Buffie the Body, dumbass!!!! Blogger.

And all of ya'll that read my Blog and show up on FB trying to add me, i don't know you like that haba! I have about 75 friend request pending and i have no idea who this peeps are. There's one dude that looks like the love child of Segun Arinze and Eucharia whatsherface. Seriously, i had nightmares. At least put up a little note saying blah blah from Blogger. I probably still won't add you as my friend except you're cute mami and have a Lollipop fixation, you like sweet things...not in a bad way. But you sha get the gist.
I'm just trying to get Psychos off my case. Please understand. I've been through too much, and I've only just survived a Stalker experience.

Long Story. Involves an after hours drink at Swe Bar with a friend of mine Surrey-Girl, and her friend that i just met who looked like she started getting dressed just as Nepa took light. I mean some jenifa combinasion of slifa and green, and she spoke with a mixture of Urhobo and Australian accent.And just as i thought it couldn't get any worse, another were girl that accosted me on the way to the bathroom with her Business card, who turned out to be a Cele Church going, Candle burning Psychopath. No, she was not wearing a white garment that day. The story long i no fit talk am here and now.

My cable company has lost the rights to show Premiership footie for a couple years now, and this season they've just lost the bid for broadcasting Champions League.
So, now i'm forced to watch El Mustachios prancing around la liga with their newest hair spray pansy Christiano Ronaldo.
Or watch Huddersfield play Coventry in the FA Cup Yawn...
Or watch Big brother Africa, filled with only Guys with no babes in the house yet, and if and when the girls show up, there ain't no shower hour.
Just watch a bunch of low lifes for picking their noses on live television. I think not. Thank you very much. Looks like a good time to read for that exam.

Isoko, i miss you come back to Lagos. Kes where the heck are you? They've since invented a device called a mobile phone. You don't have to haul a Pager around no more. lol Hola!
Dennar, I've updated so stop stressing me or else I'll spill all your dirty secrets to your Wife.
That's burnt dinners for a year. Yup! I'm evil!!!!!!
Relax mate, just kidding. Everybody else Hola!

This is not the News

Okay so Cecilia got nabbed trying to escape in Broda Jimoh's "second hand" Private Jet. She almost made it but the bloody plane made more noise than a Molue.
EFCC heard the noise right from their office, got their and promptly arrested her plumpness.
Jimoh has since sent the Plane to the U.K for a tune up.
Moral of the story. Don't buy second hand Jets. If you have to buy a second hand Jet, get professionals to service it.
If you need to do a quick getaway, make sure your getaway vehicle is not a used Jet belonging to Uncle Jimoh, and serviced by the same guys that change the Tyre on his Car Morufu the Mechanic and his kid brother Jellili.
Also learn from the Pros who have done this successfully. Wole Soyinka only needed a NY Yankees hat, Sunglasses and a bit of Swagger to stroll across Seme Border.
Alams was a bit more erm... imaginative. Cross dressing and all that. Freaky sonofa. lol.

Erastus isn't exactly sipping Tetleys at his London Apartment. Interpol and all that. I hear Caves are at a premium in some certain countries. I'm not saying anything tho'.

This morning, i had a brain wave. I realized how far wrong the Bloody Americans were. The solution to the Credit Crunch is a very simple one.
See, the Nigerian Central Bank bailed out 5 banks by doing something simply ingenious. They printed out 420 Billion Naira in Mint 1,000 notes, Stuffed the cash in duffel Bags, and handed it to the Banks like Christmas packages.
See? Simple solutions for difficult problems. Banks need bail out money, Nigerian Government Prints bail out money. End of Discussion. i mean, Even Idi Amin could do it. So i don't understand why the Yanks don't get it? lol.
At this rate Naija will take over the world. My mate says Nepa just might be able to provide electric power for the Americans. (Anything is possible. You just believe)

Notorious

There’s only one King.
Seen the Movie twice. Bought the bootleg, seen it thrice
Genius at it’s best.12 years down, Brighter than a zillion watt light bulb
Lyrics like you call ‘em
Metaphors that make you wake up with chills down your spine.
The Swag, Haters wondering how the fcuk does he do it?
Made them Dirty haters go get a fresh, crisp shirt
All the Catfights for you, Faye, Kimberly, Charli Baltimore…
All the guys claiming the Best friend title.
Guys who didn’t even get featured in the movie.
I guess there’s so long a script can get lol.
All the people you inspired lyrically. ME.
God Bless your Moms and your 2 kids.
There’s only one King of New York
There’s only one Christopher Wallace.
Only one Big Poppa.

Dance with my Father II (2Left feet)

Thank you Dad for being there.
It was nice to Dance with you last year
I've not been a poster boy for good behavior but you've been faithful
I didn't go to the movies but you saved me from the Armed robbers
Roof over my head, clothes on my back
A car to drive, Money to spend
For not letting me get burned in the stock exchange crash
Good health, Globe trotting
Good friends, my family...I still got issues with my Pops, (Lord help me)
Thanks for life
Thanks for Love... even them lying conniving psychotic B*** That give love a bad name
Thanks for divine protection
and even for those who've done me wrong...
For dumb gun wielding retards with very bad aim.
For the muppets who vandalized my Car back in Uni.
For the person that stole my Ready to die and reasonable doubt CD
For the Kora guy that bounced me from Proflex Gym.
For keeping me off the Alcohol since "99
Thanks lord for the Good memories also.
For that magical time as a kid.
for Obelix and Asterix
For TIN TIN and Captain Haddock, for Veronica and betty
Archie and Jughead, famous five and secret 7.
for Dancing with you second time around.
For making me hot like fiya. 32 Summers and counting.
For this quirky post.

Mr.Garmin

What happens when you know the answer to a question, and you still go ahead to ask.

Especially if the question na foolish question?

Two things will likely happen. The “Asker” gets a dirty slap from the “Askee”, provided the Slapper is older/bigger, has more grags, than the Slapee. and the most importantly Slaper is sure to a reasonable extent that Slapee does not have advanced were to retaliate.

For my own case na me go do pass myself. I was on my way to work early morning hoping the roads will be relatively traffic free and people will still be home snuggling up next to their better halves right? Wrong. (If your Husband wowo pass you how is he your better half?Anyway sha.)

Absolute gridlock at 6 in the morning. And I never even reach Lekki 2^nd round about, and the traffic looked endless. So what did I do? I whipped out Mr.Garmin and asked it to lead me to work.

Mr.Garmin says no problems. Do you want the quickest route?

Kunle: You dey ask me? Of course ke!

Mr.Garmin Plots my co-ordinates, says I’m on Lekki, tells me to bear left at the next junction 300 meters away.

Everybody and his Dog know that there is only one route from Lekki to Victoria Island shebi?

Mr.Garmin tells me to take the next right. As Oyinbo get plenty sense, maybe dem know road pass us, Me sef I follow like mumu.

(WARNING: Extreme Mumu-ness ahead. Please stop reading here if you get embarrassed at other people’s stupidity)

Mr.Garmin says drive 2.3 kilometers to coastal road and bear left at the first exit.

Eh hen! Shebi I talk am, all these dumb asses in traffic. The book I’m reading presently says to stay at least one step ahead of the crowd.

Ok. I’m a Slapee. Please go ahead and slap me because I deserve it.

The terrain got rougher, I still dey drive go

I’m blasting Hov’s Blue Magic. I’m feeling as fly as an Insect. My Music is always cranked up really high I know, Bad habit. You nko? You no get bad habit? Anyway,

That’s how I started seeing plenty coconut trees o, and the sand got whiter.

I still dey go.

I looked at the stupid Garmin thing, it showed Atlantic Ocean ahead.

So I paused, like a coma.

Then I screeched to a full stop.

I see an old man walking, I roll down my window, I can smell that distinct salty sea air.

The man shuffles slowly to me. “Oga se e fe ra fresh fish” very big Tilapia,

Fresh fish ko? Fillet Mignon steak and bread pudding ni, Nonsense.

I angrily make a u-turn

Garmin says it’s re-calculating. Oloshi, after almost carrying me into the ocean. I cast and bind all Mami Water Spirit that sent the thing to bring me to the bottom of the sea.

I’m calculating how many pieces to break the thing stupid thing into.

Anyway sha I get back to the road, to join the other *cough* dim-wit commuters on their daily grind. I had just wasted 20 minutes of my life. Why are you opening eye? You never do stupid thing before? Kpele o! Or because me I talk my own? Shio!

It goes without saying sha I was late to work.

Never again to Mami-water Garmin or Tom-Tom. I remember a few months ago my sister was going to drop me off at Paddington Station from Southend –on –sea

My Sis is probably worse than I am when it comes to locating places. And me ehn, I can’t find my way out of a match box. It’s official.

Na so we enter A13 dey go, then made several rubbish turns courtesy of Mr.Tom Tom. To sha cut a long tory short we ended up at Reading. I was late for my train to Cardiff, and we were out of Petrol in the middle of nowhere. I should have jumped ship and hopped on a train at Reading station, but my sister would have had my juicy ears for Suya. Lol.

Now, to more serious issues. If you can’t afford babies, please don’t have them. Kid’s are capital intensive. It takes a lot of planning and dedication and sacrifices, even for middle class parents that both work. You have to allocate a lot of resources to them until they are 18 if you live in the Western world, and until they are 35 if you live in Naija lol…

Also, if you’re not smart, marry a smart spouse so your kids don’t turn out to be as dumb as Donuts, but more importantly, if your spouse goes to the neighborhood ramshackle drug store to buy Teething powder for your baby, and he/she comes home with something called “My Pickin”, you should have enough smarts to pop it open and empty the poisonous contents on the said spouse’s head accompanied with a dirty Slap.

Yep, NAFDAC should have checked, but there’s only so much NAFDAC can do. I don’t think anybody has the right to feed any baby a medication called “My Pickin”.

I hope this doesn’t get swept under the carpet. Those innocent kids… Heads have to roll for this.

NB: In Case you’re wondering what I’m on about, there are kids(6months to 3 year olds) dying from Renal failure all over the country after their parents bought a certain teething powder called “My Pickin”.

So far the authorities are not doing anything apart from watching to see who’s got manicured fingernails from all the finger pointing going on.

Naija Rules

I'm sure Adamu would have logged on to his Hi-Tech Computer, Looked at the Hi Definition Monitor and screamed!!!! "Yeepa! Osanobua! They have struck".
I can imagine him walking down the long Corridor to his Oga's office. One gingerly step at a time until inevitably he gets to his Agbada wearing Oga's office.

Adamu: "Morin Sah"!

Agbada: "umm"(Looks up briefly from his Newspaper, barely acknowledging his presence with a grunt)

Adamu: "Sah we have a problem sah". (scratches head)

Agbada: "Umm" (Still frowning intently at the Sport pages)

Adamu: "I think sah that our Satellite is missing sah"

Agbada:(This Day newspaper dutifully drops) "Shege!! You mean somebody climbed the fence and stole our DSTV Dish"?

Adamu: "No sah i looked at the screen and i could..."

Agbada:"You mean the bastards took the Decoder..."

Adamu: "No sah, I mean sah, the Satellite in Space sah."

Agbada: They stole the Satellite in Space?" (Up and pacing the room, screaming). "Who? Niger Delta boys? Get me the IG on the phone".

Adamu: "Yes sah"

Agbada: I can't beleive this. This Country. That's how those Niger Delta boys stole a whole Ship.
In fact whilst you're at it, get me Rear Admiral Arogundade on the phone. He might have an idea. Maybe he saw any suspicious activities on the high seas".

Adamu: "The Admiral's phone is switched off sah".

Agbada: "Why"?

Adamu: "If you remember sah, According to the Navy, he got his uniform torn, and got beaten up by a Colonel's Daughter last week sah".

Agbada:" Oh that wild crazy Girl. Yes yes... Forget Harry". "Get the IG. Also, put the word out. There's a reward for any Satellite in space with a fresh coat of paint. Look closely if it has the Green and white colours of Nigeria underneath".

Adamu: "Yes Sir".

Agbada: "What are you still doing here? Oya out out out!!!!!"