Mr.Garmin

What happens when you know the answer to a question, and you still go ahead to ask.

Especially if the question na foolish question?

Two things will likely happen. The “Asker” gets a dirty slap from the “Askee”, provided the Slapper is older/bigger, has more grags, than the Slapee. and the most importantly Slaper is sure to a reasonable extent that Slapee does not have advanced were to retaliate.

For my own case na me go do pass myself. I was on my way to work early morning hoping the roads will be relatively traffic free and people will still be home snuggling up next to their better halves right? Wrong. (If your Husband wowo pass you how is he your better half?Anyway sha.)

Absolute gridlock at 6 in the morning. And I never even reach Lekki 2^nd round about, and the traffic looked endless. So what did I do? I whipped out Mr.Garmin and asked it to lead me to work.

Mr.Garmin says no problems. Do you want the quickest route?

Kunle: You dey ask me? Of course ke!

Mr.Garmin Plots my co-ordinates, says I’m on Lekki, tells me to bear left at the next junction 300 meters away.

Everybody and his Dog know that there is only one route from Lekki to Victoria Island shebi?

Mr.Garmin tells me to take the next right. As Oyinbo get plenty sense, maybe dem know road pass us, Me sef I follow like mumu.

(WARNING: Extreme Mumu-ness ahead. Please stop reading here if you get embarrassed at other people’s stupidity)

Mr.Garmin says drive 2.3 kilometers to coastal road and bear left at the first exit.

Eh hen! Shebi I talk am, all these dumb asses in traffic. The book I’m reading presently says to stay at least one step ahead of the crowd.

Ok. I’m a Slapee. Please go ahead and slap me because I deserve it.

The terrain got rougher, I still dey drive go

I’m blasting Hov’s Blue Magic. I’m feeling as fly as an Insect. My Music is always cranked up really high I know, Bad habit. You nko? You no get bad habit? Anyway,

That’s how I started seeing plenty coconut trees o, and the sand got whiter.

I still dey go.

I looked at the stupid Garmin thing, it showed Atlantic Ocean ahead.

So I paused, like a coma.

Then I screeched to a full stop.

I see an old man walking, I roll down my window, I can smell that distinct salty sea air.

The man shuffles slowly to me. “Oga se e fe ra fresh fish” very big Tilapia,

Fresh fish ko? Fillet Mignon steak and bread pudding ni, Nonsense.

I angrily make a u-turn

Garmin says it’s re-calculating. Oloshi, after almost carrying me into the ocean. I cast and bind all Mami Water Spirit that sent the thing to bring me to the bottom of the sea.

I’m calculating how many pieces to break the thing stupid thing into.

Anyway sha I get back to the road, to join the other *cough* dim-wit commuters on their daily grind. I had just wasted 20 minutes of my life. Why are you opening eye? You never do stupid thing before? Kpele o! Or because me I talk my own? Shio!

It goes without saying sha I was late to work.

Never again to Mami-water Garmin or Tom-Tom. I remember a few months ago my sister was going to drop me off at Paddington Station from Southend –on –sea

My Sis is probably worse than I am when it comes to locating places. And me ehn, I can’t find my way out of a match box. It’s official.

Na so we enter A13 dey go, then made several rubbish turns courtesy of Mr.Tom Tom. To sha cut a long tory short we ended up at Reading. I was late for my train to Cardiff, and we were out of Petrol in the middle of nowhere. I should have jumped ship and hopped on a train at Reading station, but my sister would have had my juicy ears for Suya. Lol.

Now, to more serious issues. If you can’t afford babies, please don’t have them. Kid’s are capital intensive. It takes a lot of planning and dedication and sacrifices, even for middle class parents that both work. You have to allocate a lot of resources to them until they are 18 if you live in the Western world, and until they are 35 if you live in Naija lol…

Also, if you’re not smart, marry a smart spouse so your kids don’t turn out to be as dumb as Donuts, but more importantly, if your spouse goes to the neighborhood ramshackle drug store to buy Teething powder for your baby, and he/she comes home with something called “My Pickin”, you should have enough smarts to pop it open and empty the poisonous contents on the said spouse’s head accompanied with a dirty Slap.

Yep, NAFDAC should have checked, but there’s only so much NAFDAC can do. I don’t think anybody has the right to feed any baby a medication called “My Pickin”.

I hope this doesn’t get swept under the carpet. Those innocent kids… Heads have to roll for this.

NB: In Case you’re wondering what I’m on about, there are kids(6months to 3 year olds) dying from Renal failure all over the country after their parents bought a certain teething powder called “My Pickin”.

So far the authorities are not doing anything apart from watching to see who’s got manicured fingernails from all the finger pointing going on.

Naija Rules

I'm sure Adamu would have logged on to his Hi-Tech Computer, Looked at the Hi Definition Monitor and screamed!!!! "Yeepa! Osanobua! They have struck".
I can imagine him walking down the long Corridor to his Oga's office. One gingerly step at a time until inevitably he gets to his Agbada wearing Oga's office.

Adamu: "Morin Sah"!

Agbada: "umm"(Looks up briefly from his Newspaper, barely acknowledging his presence with a grunt)

Adamu: "Sah we have a problem sah". (scratches head)

Agbada: "Umm" (Still frowning intently at the Sport pages)

Adamu: "I think sah that our Satellite is missing sah"

Agbada:(This Day newspaper dutifully drops) "Shege!! You mean somebody climbed the fence and stole our DSTV Dish"?

Adamu: "No sah i looked at the screen and i could..."

Agbada:"You mean the bastards took the Decoder..."

Adamu: "No sah, I mean sah, the Satellite in Space sah."

Agbada: They stole the Satellite in Space?" (Up and pacing the room, screaming). "Who? Niger Delta boys? Get me the IG on the phone".

Adamu: "Yes sah"

Agbada: I can't beleive this. This Country. That's how those Niger Delta boys stole a whole Ship.
In fact whilst you're at it, get me Rear Admiral Arogundade on the phone. He might have an idea. Maybe he saw any suspicious activities on the high seas".

Adamu: "The Admiral's phone is switched off sah".

Agbada: "Why"?

Adamu: "If you remember sah, According to the Navy, he got his uniform torn, and got beaten up by a Colonel's Daughter last week sah".

Agbada:" Oh that wild crazy Girl. Yes yes... Forget Harry". "Get the IG. Also, put the word out. There's a reward for any Satellite in space with a fresh coat of paint. Look closely if it has the Green and white colours of Nigeria underneath".

Adamu: "Yes Sir".

Agbada: "What are you still doing here? Oya out out out!!!!!"

Micro Economics.

Micro economy basically is how individuals allocate scarce resources to produce and distribute goods and services.

I'm not about to get all Nerdy on you so be cool. Be warned though, I'm gonna get a bit controversial on ya. Hold on to your hats folks.

First what's been happening to me? Nothing much really. Been taking one day at a time, another day another dollar/naira as the case may be, doing the 1-10 countdown whenever i see something that annoys the heck outta me. And trust me there's a lot out there to drive me nuts but i'm not even gonna go into that. My rant week is over. I'm my bubbly self all over again.

So sha, i went out on the town last night to have a drink with my Boy AY. He's got mad Cheddar and i'm good looking...(Oya Talk make i hear you) *hiss* Anyway So we pretty much have to beat the Ladies away with a Stick lol. Wetin i dey talk again sef? Ehen so i make my entrance and i see the same ol' Crowd hmm,Wannabees, Heavy-weighters, The Pros and the Cons...lol
I spot my Cousin with a girl i sabi from way back.
Hang on Didn't she do her trad Wedding last Christmas? Or two years ago? My Big Motor mouth Cuz hollers "Kunle"..
Oh well, I walk over smile, said hi, smack my Cuz on the head,
S'up Playboy?
I glance at the babe's left hand.
Ring's off.
Hi Onome
She says "Oh Kunle you've met my Cousin Remi"
Silence.
I'm looking like WTF? Oti o!
More Silence. ...Mouth Open
Wallahi, you coulda hit me with a Feather, and i'd be on the floor.
I'm thinking, I'm like Nah, This Heffer didn't just Introduce My own Cousin to me as her Cousin.
I thought i don heard everythang. This one takes the Carrot Cake.
The look on my Cousin's face, Priceless. Mastercard moment that.

You asked me what i did? Of course i called my Olori kodoro cousin and told him
"Eti e melo? (How many ears were you given at the Baby Factory?)
You've got one leg in the grave, and the other leg on a Banana peel Son.

So i sha walk back to my seat o, AY was chilling lazily having a drink. I swear the Dude is so laid back he's almost Horizontal. Haha... I sha gave him the Gist of the Onome Fiasco, I'm making a helluva lotta noise and i don't give a toss. A Shorty's looking at me from the Corner of her eyes
I turn to look at her fully.
Yeepa.
Omo, she looked like she got dressed in the dark. Mis-matched colours and all that.

I'm off tangent again shey? Ehen, So what set me on this course?

500 Naira note. How? I wanted to give the guy at the parking lot a tip. I thought i had a few 200 Naira notes in my Glove Compartment, Couldn't find any..(I wonder who steals loose change from my Car?) Anyway sha, I looked in my wallet 1k notes and 500 bucks.
No way i'm gonna give the Parking guy 500 bucks.
I searched the car thoroughly nothing at all, so i ended up giving the Old man the 500 be-be sha.

The moment the guy saw the money, i saw a big smile light up his face. Shebi you know that kind of smile that all your teeth will be outside like this? ehen, that one.
On my way home i kept pondering, thinking about different things, and how much 500 bucks meant to the Man on the Street in this very cold, hard unforgiving City.

I imagined that the Guy had a wife at home, (Hopefully 1 wife only) and maybe 3 kids (Usually more than 3 for that econo strata) but for arguments sake let's say 3.

He's at least 45-47 years old, and his take home pay as a parking attendant is probably about 10,000 a month(42 British Pounds monthly). That's about less than what you pay for Dinner for 2 at the joint he works.

So let's say he stays in a 1 room face me i slap you, and he pays 1200k monthly. I'm just pulling figures out of the air here but for arguments sake 1200k.
Transportation. He doesn't live on the Island like millions of other workers so another 2500k

He needs to feed, so thats say another 4500k

Utilities 1000k

Upkeep money he gives the Missus 2000k (At this point he's already in debt)

He probably has some extended family Dependants to sort out at least he's sha working.

I'm sure i've skipped stuff like Clothes, Drugs cause he lives in a malaria infested place.

The only way to supplement his income and keep hope alive...the tips he gets.

Looking deeper, i tried to imagine what if this 47 year old Man has a daughter, and he decides he has to send her to school so she can have a future?

So, baby girl is in a higher institution because she's reasonably bright but unreasonably broke.

Dad is barely employed, Mother sells fresh fruits, no chance of getting a temp job as an assistant in school, even the people with Masters degree sef no get work.
Lecturers insists you have to buy handouts or you fail, it's black and white. No grey areas. Each handout is sold at a minimum of 2500k for each course(or even More sef depending on the hunger level of the lecturer).

She doesn't even bother going home for money because she knows the Situ at home.

What's a girl to do?

Yup! You guessed right.

There are other chicks in school with Civil Servant/ working class parents who are a bit higher up the socio-economic ladder but are seriously struggling to survive in a country where nothing works, no welfare system, a few people have all the money and the other few are trying to get there so they can lord it over their former neighbours like "i don arrive"
You know that " Hello, ah ahn...long time...So you're still driving that old Car" or the female version...looking you up and mentally calculating your net worth by what you've got on and who made your shoes blah blah.
It's a tough stupid ego-driven unforgiving place Naija. Crabs in a 3rd world bucket.

Whats a girl to do?
I noticed it about 7 years ago, but then it had not been institutionalized. It had the whole "Under G" cloak draped around it. How about you take a trip down any of the nation's Campuses? I hear it's worse in those hidden Polytechnics in the middle of nowhere. You know all those Osun state Poly, Federal school of something or the other. These same Governors and politicians that can't fix bad roads, drainages, The same muppets that hold on to teachers salaries, will send a convoy of cars to these schools to pick up these kids for all sorts of outrageous trysts that will make Caligula look like an Alter boy.

Every single school in the country has it's clique of Runs people. It's a whole different society on it's own. Something shifted in the last 5 years. The Runs-less girls are in the Minority for the first time since 1984 when runs officially started.

The runs girls that were looked down upon a few years ago are now the La Bellas. They run the joint, they are in the limelight, socially accepted from the ''Low-end 5k thanks for coming(TFC)" to the high flying Weekend at Burj al Arab Dubai-shop-till-you-drop, Infinity Driving chicks.

They've arrived and it looks like they are here to stay. Endorsed by peers, parents who look the other way, Clergy men who receive the offerings/Tithes on Sundays, Lecturers who give them a 2:1 so they get the Bank jobs when the graduate, Even down to the Unilag boys who can't get none because the goodies have been exported to the more affluent Oil and Gas/telecoms/Bank boys, Politicos/Married guys looking for an official girlfriend/Yahoo boys (Yahoodlums) who get some whilst they can still maintain the Golf4 and get none when there is Mugu dry season and they're back on Campus Shuttle/Riding shotgun in Homies whip.


Wo, I'm not trying to point fingers here or anything o! I'm just flashing a light on a present reality which almost everyone seem to turn a blind eye to. E be like some major mass self denial thing going on.

Parents know what their Kids get up to, but frankly are powerless to do anything about it.They are still busy trying to survive.
The one's who have the clout have shipped off their kids to schools abroad from the Ivy leagues to the Community university.

How about the new "Religious Universities"? Mehn, don't even get me started... i'm not even gonna go there....

Madam Lawmaker is busy trying to ban short skirts and Cleavage revealing tops. There's more serious stuff going on that that Duh..................
How about facing/tackling the main issues huh?
She'll spew out all that Rhetoric about short skirts messing up the moral fabric(excuse the pun) of the society. Shio! Fabric wey don tear since tay tay. Abeg ja si free joo.

In the meantime, there's still $20 million dollars lost DAILY to Oil Bunkering from the Niger Delta
No healthcare
No Power(Greedy fools selfish fools)
Bad Roads
Billions of Dollars embezzled yearly.
We're still importing petrol into the country. Isn't that retarded? Just because of a few greedy fools
Workers are not paid for months on end, so they can't take care of their Daughters,
Kids need to feed and pay school fees/buy handouts just to get half an Education.

What's a girl to do?

Oya Carry Gun shoot me. Na me be gofment?

Who needs a title? (The Rant post)

* Sunny, I'm sorry for smacking you on the face this morning.
You see, i've had a shitty week at work and i've been looking forward to friday since monday morning.
I woke up earlier than usual to avoid driving through that senseless traffic, jumped in the shower and there was no water.
How could you not pump water? That's your fcuking Job. I don't care if you stayed up all night pumping water into the Swimming pool. How is that my business?Have you ever seen me swim? i'm from Abeokuta i don't do that swimming shit. The Whole point of paying a hectic Service Charge is to have Power and Water. And yeah, you bet it hurts to write out the cheque 'cause i'm not rich, and my Company isn't picking the tab, and it's just plain wrong to have to go to work on a "top and tail" shower. Abi do i look like Oyinbo to you?

And i know you'll probably never get on Blogger so you won't see this but maybe someday your kids will and they won't think i'm such a bad guy. Whatever!! I'm too miffed to apologise properly. Please don't do that nonsense again.





* God please let me get my hands on the neck of the motherfuckers that cleaned out my Sister's house yesterday whilst she was at work. I'm amazed shit like that can go down in a nice part of Essex.
God please this one time, deliver the motherfucking scum into my hands. I'll apologize later.



* Somebody tell Mr.Man to please fix the bloody road. How hard is it to fix a pothole? It's a fucking 10 mile stretch without an alternative route for now. Goddamn it just fix it PROPERLY!!!! You cannot patch up a laterite road with concrete. It's not rocket Science is it?
You've got to be Nigerian to buy a property for + 1 million dollars in Lekki and you spend 3 hours getting to work everyday. Has everyone gone nuts? I spoke to some agbaya the other day and he said "well, i have a new Honda Accord from work, so the Driver just drives and i read the morning papers" Ode Oshi. Please remind me to slap you when i'm old enough to.
How about we contribute some money and fix the little ditch? we can pay the money into GT Bank right by the pot hole.(GT Bank Lekki U listening?) Or i may just pay for the bloody thing meself. No i'm not rich, i'm just tired of getting out of the house at 5:30am. That shit is criminal.
Who exactly is responsible? Please give me a name. That's all i need.





*Miss Thing, I'm glad you're finally getting married to your Red Passport. I hope he brings you much Joy and Happiness. I pray the violence reduces or stop totally, If i could, i'd buy you a huge pair of Ferragamo sunglasses to shade you from the concerned questions/looks /stares.
Now at least when his hands go up against you, yours can go down and dial 999 since you're now Legit. Happy married life.





* Why is Ikoyi so expensive? 300 million naira for a property that isn't any more than a glorified dump?
Rain falls it's flooded, no drainage, most streetlights are dead, bad potholes, really bad potholes,(Kunle, that's a stupid question.Shebi i have an SUV biko! ) horn blaring, street hawkers selling everything from recharge cards to Agonyin beans and Bread, ramshackle security/mai guard post that is an absolute eye sore...the list goes on.
For that kind of dough you'll get prime real estate in most parts of the world.I don't get it. Can someone please explain the logic to me, I'm i missing something? Or is it just Plain Nigerian to pay over a million pounds sterling for a house with a filthy rubbish dump in front of it?





* Baby Girl, Why do i have to pay to get it off? i don't remember asking/forcing you to put it on.
If he can't stand seeing my name every time he goes down town, He can bloody well man up and cough up the dough.I ain't paying for no laser shit.
It's not the money it's the principle behind it. Capish?
NEXT!

Bored Stiff

I feel like breaking something!!!!!!
I'm at a Village in Wales called Magor, Monmoutshire. It's your typical Sheep Country.Goats outnumber humans in Wales 8-1 or thereabouts.
No, i'm not on holidays it's work stuff. There's nothing here to do but count sheep, and try and guess if the next train coming is First great Western/Eastern or Virgin.All the locals here do is drink at the pub and go home.
Some of this guys have never left Gwent. Most have never been to England.(Bristol/Swindon is just 20mins away). The young people here don't have any real objectives in life. The only two companies are the Telecom Consultancy firm i'm doing stuff at for a couple of weeks and err...The Brewery(Go figure).

I miss home, my Nephews, neices, My Fam.I'm running back to London this Weekend. Friday 5pm i don carry my bag dey go. I no send mehn.

No Sky/Setanta. That means no football.Just BBC Wales. I miss Naija mehn.

She Says...

I can't take this anymore. You wake up early and you're out walking about in the garden tending crops talking to the animals like you're Dr. Doolittle or something. You don't even talk to me anymore. It's just you and the damned Animals. Do you have to give each and every one of them a name? Can't they all have tags with Serial numbers or something?

I'm bored out of my mind with this place. No one to talk to, Nothing to do, I can't go for a manicure, I need a damned hair dryer, I need a microwave, or at least a bloody cooker. I can't keep eating raw stuff. That sh!t ain't on babe. I'm a grown woman i need someone to talk to. I need some TLC. I need some attention. And all you say is "baby please understand i have an Important job to do". Bull.

You're out with your Dad all day talking about all these Cosmic stuff. You're so happy babe.
Guess what? I'm not happy. I don't want to talk about the Cosmos, or Galaxies or Black holes and philosophy and all that Astrology sh!t. I want me some Tyra Omnibus, Some fashion News, Something,...Anything. I'm Bored Adam.

And i got news for you, I've seen you and your Dad having your "Boy's talk". I don't want you sleeping out there in the Garden. I'm gonna be there every single moment you shut your eyes for a cat nap. I don't want him taking out another rib and creating no other Woman. I'm all the Woman you need baby.Unpredictable, crazy Diva, Drama Queen, that's me. You're stuck with me baby so don't get sly on me. I see that look in your eyes and frankly, that sh!t ain't happening so forget it.
And yeah i'm PMSing, and i'm irritated, and i need a Chocolate bar. And i don't care where you get it from, if you have to go to the end of the world to get it, just get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or else i just might eat the bloody Apple, and give you a slice of it too.

P.S. I'm not bluffing.
Eve.

Escaped..Almost

So we didn't get beaten at the Nou Camp. It wasn't an awe inspiring performance either.
Rooney should have taken the Penalty.
Ronaldo looked more worried about the effects of the wind on his Hair.
I didn't have a "tummy ache". I didn't make an awful lot of noise either.I'm afraid for next tuesday.
Very afraid...

4:20pm

I’m the laziest cat this side of the Atlantic. What does it take to update a Blog?

Once you get on that 8-5 lock down nothing interesting happens anymore.I mean look at it. Monday to Friday you wake up early, curse the alarm. …whatever the source your phone, alarm clock or depending on where you live… your neighbor’s skinny Cock. No, I meant the one with the feathers. you perv lol.
If you’re like me, you mumble your Good mornings, gulp down the Coffee, Give the Arsenal and Chelsea fans down the hall a long- range evil look, turn your attention back to your computer, and keep reminding yourself your ass could get fired for breaking your Monitor as you watch the mails start coming in thick and fast.

Friday 5pm Weekend starts. The thing is what the heck is there to do on a Weekend in Lagos? I’m a grown ass 31 year old man. Clubs aren’t that much fun anymore. I no fit dance for 4 straight hours again abeg. Saturday weddings duh, movies, shoot the breeze what else? I don’t even know how to get into trouble anymore. And all the “used to be fun” chicks my age are now talking about Crèches , Diapers and stuff. lol.
Thank God for Football. So what do you do on a weekend in Naija?

Talking about Weddings. Shebi you know there’s a ban on spraying money like seriously your ass can get arrested and hauled off to jail for that shit.
Anyway sha for this wedding, na so I see awon boys spraying $1 bills. No be small thing o. There were actually a few guys milling around the hall asking if you wanted to change dollars. Just like jand lol.
I kinda see the logic sha. CBN talk say no spoil the Naira. Ok, we’ll spray the Greenbacks. And with the US economy nose diving it doesn’t get better than that for us does it? How owambe go rock if you no spray money? Rubbish lol.

I’m Nervous. We’re going to the Nou Camp tonight to face Barcelona. If we get beaten, I’m gonna have a tummy ache tomorrow morning and not come to work. *Wink*

Didn't make it to the movies.

There’s a reason God keeps me here. I don’t know what it is yet and he ain’t talking yet but I’m gonna keep bugging him until he talks. I got his number on speed dial so if he plans on getting any sleep he’d better start talking fast. Ok he doesn’t sleep, but you know what I mean…

I was going to catch a Movie at Nu Metro. Kinda impromptu, but Coco suggested it and nobody turns Coco down. Mess with Miss Coco at your own risk mehn. (That’s not her real name but her forehead is harder than Badagry Coconut you dig?)
I’m not about to mess around and get a head butt or nuthink like that plus she’s a lot of Fun, hadn’t seen her in a hot minute all that sha. She’s good people.

The arrangement was she’ll drive down to my Casa, drop her Car, and we’ll take mine.
First, I don’t trust her driving. She drives like a Maniac, My Life Insurance isn’t up to scratch, and she plays Madonna cd’s all day long in her car. Somebody please suggest a quicker way to drive a guy round the bend.
So, she gets to my Estate, she had to go see a friend down my street, talk talk…you know how Women be right? I’m ready, impatiently drumming on the steering wheel, I’ve got Asa’s banging track 3 “Bibanke” on repeat till the second coming, I spy a mosquito, I try to kill it the little bastid escapes, I’m glancing at my watch, two black birds fly by, I hope they don’t drop bird shit on my freshly waxed car, I wait some more, I finally see her sashaying towards me ope o .Let’s roll.

We drive down to the gate, it’s late evening, beautiful Saturday sunset, I’m fly like an insect, fresh to death, GQ type casual gear you know how I be…lol I’m feeling alright.
Right by the edge of the road I see my neighbor’s house girl Ekaette. (Okay maybe that’s not her name but she be like Ekaete. Sue me shio!!) A Black Infinity SUV pulls up next to her. She smiles and hops in in one single fluid move. Yup, you bet your Mortgage I was curious so va vroom I level up next to the car just for a look see. It’s another Neighbors Driver Thad.. Okayee, I guess Thaddeus is getting some tonight. Hold on Dude’s a grown ass man and supposed to have kids I guess Ekaette isn’t very fussy. Wetin even consain me for the matter sef. Shey? I comot face.

I’m undecided whether to buy some Fuel at the VGC petrol station, with all the contaminated fuel being imported in recent weeks. I decide to move on. I’m trying to make a turn
Coco says “Kunle the guy in front of you has a Gun”
I turned to her, ready to say some smart-ass comment like “your forehead is scarier than a Gun”
Just as I opened my mouth ….Rat tat tat tat.
My internal processor speed must have been at an all time low. It took two seconds to process the information.
Coin finally drops.
That looks a helluva lot like the Gun in the Terminator movie…..
The mofo with the Gun is right in front of me eyeballing me……
I’m staring at the business end of an automatic assault riffle. (Somebody please slap me right now please! Thanks.)
Okay, Mumu period over. Gear in R, 180 degree turn, tyres screeching, Dust swirling, I made it to the other side of the road dong 120 miles an hour.
I realize I’m going the wrong direction so I turn back we decide to go back into VGC at least it’s safe…Yeah where have I heard that before?
The security guys at VGC had taken off their uniforms faster than a Thai hooker and fled.(Somebody call Guinness we got us here a new world record)
I saw a lady abandon her soccer mom type Minivan and make a dash for the bush. I’m not too sure if she left her kids in the car or not. An elderly gentleman with the a pot belly the size of the famous Afikpo Calabash left his driver in the car and was running zig zag like a demon was snapping at his heels. Wallahi if it wasn’t so serious it woulda been funny.
In the meantime, I’m as cool as a freezer. Calmly plotting plan B. Asa croons “bo jo ban ro/ fimi sile” on my CD player
I hit the road again, head back into my Estate, I see the same Black SUV at the other side of the road. the Car’s a complete wreck. There goes Ekaete’s date, and maybe Thaddeus’s Job. Oh well.
Everywhere is strangely calm, not a sound. I’m at my Estate Gate blaring my horn.
Where the Devil are the security guards?
I see a black face peep out of the little guard house.
He walks awkwardly towards the gate. (You know that Naija home video gateman walk…)
Then he stops right in the middle. He has this “deer caught in headlights” look
He pats his trousers. He’s left the keys. Or worse he’s lost it.
I see the bloody mosquito again. It’s too cold for it. Bastid disappears under the seat again.
Ms Coco is shouting Jesus Jesus.
Hey! Stop it already. His saving grace/ response time isn’t proportional to how loud you shout his name duh!!!
Another guard comes out with the right keys. I can see his hands trembling.
Mo gbe o!!!! These are the guys we pay a hefty service charge for…
Open the bloody gate man!! I’m preparing my riots act speech.
Gate finally opens I drive in. I open the Door, then hell fire erupts…
Rat tat tat tat tat... Rat tat tat. (Omo this one no be police o. Police guns go Pao, Pao)
I saw Ms Coco hit the floor. The security guard leaves the gate wide open and runs for dear life. Were oshi.
Shit!! I got my cream Armani suede shoes on. I take a quick look at the floor. Damn it’s dirty. I hesitate…. (abeg land me another slap).
The shots seem to get closer fo’real like in the movies.
I’m on the floor lol. Crawling to my house.
Ms Coco beats me to the my door. I’m wondering has she done this before?
Shit!! I forgot my keys in the Car.(This time bulala/koboko required on my booty walahi)
I crawl back, all the way to the car pick the keys, bullets whistling past my head… okay not really but you sha get the point? The guns were louder than a mofoa.
I’m back in the house, all the lights are off, sitting on the floor ( In retrospect did I think I was more at risk sitting on the settee?) Abeg free me. I felt safer on the floor right there and then. lol.
I’m trying to text my family across the road at VGC to stay home and not go anywhere.
Have you ever tried texting with gunfire in the background? No, I don’t mean from your Home theater’s surround sound watching Matrix reloaded. I’m talking some Shina Rambo type real mofoa letting loose. My brain froze mehn… I couldn’t spell nada.

An hour later and one bazillion spent cartridges later, we all emerged from all the koro’s (dark corners) in our houses, I can imagine some grown ass men will be under the Bed or something. At least na only siddon I siddon for floor.
We all started trading horror stories. From the Believable to the ahem Cough…. Em far fetched.
Mr.Celtel that story about 3 Girls in micro-mini, and Standard Israeli Army Issue Uzi Submachine guns shaking down a Bank at Yaba was a bit ‘em well you know,.. I mean C’mon dude! Did they wear halter tops too? Plus you had a glint in your eye when you were narrating the tales by moonlight story and your wife was there. Fantasies are what they are. Fantasies. If you keep that up you’ll have to sing for your Burnt Dinner every night. Ask Paul Mc cartney.
I haven’t seen Eka / Thaddeus since.

All in all God came through for me yet again. I’m so thankful.
A day in the life.
I still need to figure out what to do with my shoes….

Gingerbread Man

Okay so City beat Man United, and the Arse are now on top of the league (for now) Big deal. Ya’ll stop gloating already. You haven’t won the dzammed thing yet. Not by a long shot. I was quite disgusted by the performance tho’. City truly deserved the Win. I’ve always said Rooney was the Engine of that team Ronaldo just takes the shine. Oh well…

What made it worse, I crossed over to Ikoyi to watch the Match at my Cousin Bola’s. he’s an Arsenal fan and wallahi, I shoulda known better. After the second goal, I saw hell. Nothing on earth pleases Arsenal fans than to see United falter. Ok, Footie Rant over.

Other than Footie, it was a cool day. Got the Mandatory Yabs which was is default with Older Siblings/Cousins. Reminisced about the good old days when I was young and innocent (* Seriously!! I swear I once was innocent hehehe*) I was the last child in the house and I got tormented constantly.
I remember all those years I had to dress up in some ridiculous Costumes for the West Indian Carnival. Why did the planning of the dzamned thing always have to be at our house. The height of it all was one year they got me dressed up like a …Wait for this… a Zebra. Haba!!! Black and white Stripes and a bloody tail. Hehehe. My Auntie still has pictures of this..em embarrasment and keeps it safe from me lol. I’m sure she wants to show my kids.

One small Confession I was scared of the Gingerbread man. Honestly I was petrified of the dzamned thing. I couldn’t get the Bed time story of the Gingerbread man jumping out the Oven in the old woman’s Kitchen out of my head, So anytime Momsy baked Gingerbread men, Omo, I’m so out of the Kitchen at top speed.(Ehen, so nothing dey fear you when you dey small? Sorry o. Superman).
Meanwhile, normally I’d be in the kitchen popping stuff in my mouth, begging for tidbits, eating burnt scones, Jamaican Fried Ackees, (Highly poisonous if you don’t wait for it to pop) sweetmeats, …whatever and essentially just horsing around, but the moment I hear it’s Gingerbread Man getting baked I get scared sockless.

There was this one day, My brothers were eating in the Bedroom (Not allowed Momsy will read you the Riots act or worse if she sees you). Anyway sha , they were eating and I just sneaked into the room grabbed all their meat in their plates and made a dash for the living room. Double Jeopardy for them. They couldn’t run after me, Momsy would know they’ve been eating in the room =Wahala. They couldn’t touch me, I’d tell on them =Wahala.
So, there I was Smiling like the little Imp that I was, and My Brothers had this Evil glint in their eyes. Like I cared right? Abeeg. Nothing do me.

Later on in the Evening, shey me I had forgotten about my earlier antics, and my Brothers had memories like elephants hehehe…I had gotten into all sorts of trouble that day that I didn’t get punished for. I broke a Set of Wine Glasses which somehow my Cousin was blamed for lol (I’m EVILLLL). I turned on the Gas Knob in the Kitchen, (Honestly I didn’t do it mom!!!), Tried flushing my Plastic Alligator down the toilet. ( You people are grown up, You should always monitor you baby Brother You know he’s just a Child!!!!!). Mehn My Siblings were Livid. And there i was, Smiling, Smelling fresh like Baby Powder lol.

Sha, my parents went out and left my Sister instructions. I should be bathed and tucked in at 7pm, No Cartoons, No Rupert the Bear(My Fav Show) no “I can’t sleep there’s monsters”…. Nada.
A few minutes after 7:00pm I woke up and started screaming “I’m hungry”. Of course whenever I wanted attention, the whole world must stop and listen. So My Cousin Pauline says “don’t worry Kunle, I’ll fix you something” I went to the Sitting room, whilst Pauline was busy throwing down in the kitchen. I noticed a lot of whisperings and sly smiles, nothing doing. Na today? .Michael Jackson’s “Off the Wall” was playing on the turntable. A part of me was getting suspicious though. They were too nice, heck they even let me watch Telly. Okayyy…..

My Sister goes ever so sweetly “Kunle Dear your food is in the kitchen” So I strutted there thinking to myself “I hope it’s not Oats” I hated Quaker oats with a passion. I didn’t bother. Shebi if it’s Quaker oats I’ll just scream some more ‘till they fix something else.

I sha entered the kitchen looked round like the Emperor of the Family. Where is the food now? Then I turned and I saw the round head, saw the Currant Eyes the nose and the mouth….Oh no, it’s the Gingerbread Man!!!!!!!! As I opened my mouth to scream, somebody (Still not sure ‘till today who) but sha maybe my Brother (I strongly suspect him lol) flicked of the kitchen light and locked the door with the Key.

I was in the big dark kitchen with my Nemesis the Gingerbread man (GBM). At that point I stopped being scared. I was beyond scared. I started hallucinating. Mr.GBM jumped up and started dancing on the Kitchen Table singing along to Wacko Jacko

“Power oh Power Is the force the vow
That make it happen
It ask no question why oohh
So get closer( *Closer ke?You and who*)
To my body”

In my mind the idiot Gingerbread man was doing all those MJ moves.

“Keep on with the force
Don’t stop
Don’t stop ‘till you get enough
Keep on with the force
Don’t stop ‘till you get enough”

I was beginning to get mildly entertained when I imagined the Fox in the dark, grinning evilly at me.

“I’m melting,
I’m melting now,
like hot candle wax”

Then the door opens and my Sister switches on the light(Thanks Sis).And the Fox Disappears, and I eat the Gingerbread man, with a cuppa hot Chocolate(Shio! I dey fear no mean say I no fit chop am. I no fit kill Chicken even till now but watch me devour the breast baby lol) and I went to Bed.
A day in the life.

Dance with my Father

For all those times I didn’t know you and you were still there watching me
For all those times I called you a concept and you still smiled
For all those times I called those who knew you Muppets and you didn’t get mad
For making the effort to get my attention when I needed you most
For being Daddy to me when Pops zoomed off
For telling me everything is gonna be okay
For all those times when I lacked and you said “Stay down Son” Just a while longer
Then turning around and blessing my socks off.
For all those long conversations in the a.m…
Then I’ll walk around the whole day glowing
Feeling I can walk on Water, Walk through Walls, maybe even Fly kick anyone who looks at me funny…okay, maybe not.
For your Sense of Humour
Giving me things I don’t deserve, I swear I can hear you laughing when their Jaws drop and they turn Green with envy. ...Like Cucumbers
For taking out time from Darfur and the Middle East Crises and Iraq and all the other Donuts killing each other to remind me about little things like eating right, taking my Vitamins, eating fruits and Veggies …I still don’t like Cucumbers
For spoiling me silly.
For your protection all the time and keeping me from getting roughed up or worse even though I’ve got a motor mouth.
For pulling out all the stops when I do get into trouble. You come get me out just like the movies.
For still being you even when I turn my back from you
For the times I disobeyed your specific instructions …. of course I always have a better idea silly me.
For being there when I come running back to you after I’ve gotten burnt
For showing me the difference between things I should pray about and things I should Man up and go do by my own dzammed self.
For telling me to read my “User’s Manual” for how to make ME work. Not just on Sundays in church.
For this special relationship we have.
For seeing me through to my 31st Birthday.
For being my Daddy.
And if you didn't know by now, i'm talking about my Heavenly Daddy.
Thank you Jesus.

January

25 Days into the New year and it’s my first post. I’m so irresponsible. Someborry please go get Koboko.(Horse Whip) I’ve turned my Butt. Already. Yeah! Right there. …Yeah baby .I’ve been a naughty Boy lol.

I took a well deserved holiday over the Christmas period even though I was initially as Broke as the United States (ouch!!!). God came through for me as he always does….
I’m a sinful mofo but he still loves me to bits.
Lot’s of things happened in December. Good times, not so good times, so basically most of the time I’m deliriously happy and on some rare nights I cry. Shio! Sorry Mr. Macho who no dey cry. Abeg make I hear word. Anyway sha all in all it’s been all good.

January has been, well, January. Everyone’s broke, Everywhere is dusty. The dust is doing me head in. It’s everywhere, I taste it on my tongue when I talk, you get to dust your house three times a day, wash your car in as many times or else it’ll look like you just came through the Dakar Rally or something. Visibility is poor at night, long story short I hate the Harmattan. And all of ya’ll talking about the coolness go get some Air-conditioning or something. Jeez.

Is it me or is Blogville getting emptier by the day? I guess people got bored of the whole thing.

The Naija match is today. After getting trashed by Drogba’s boys should I even bother watching tonight’s match? Or should I retreat into the fantasy world of Fifa 08? (Thanks Lil for the upgrade. 08 “Be a player” Rawks.). Or maybe I should just get some much needed R&R, Listen to music.
The Jay Z Album American Gangster is pure dope. Grown ass Joint. I find myself listening to the whole joint without skipping a track. Well, okay maybe “Hello Brooklyn” with Weezy was a bit ehm.. Asthmatic lol but a very solid Album all the same.

My girl Mary J’s Growing pains is a Solid “must listen to” Album too. She’s happier on this Joint and sometimes it’s crossover-ish with some tracks reminding me of “One”.(Which was pretty decent too). Especially “Peace” which sounds quite Sub-Urban White without a trace of the New-York Projects….except you listen hard lol. Solid song tho’.
My all round fav in this joint is “Stay Down”. It’s easily the best song in this Album and it sounds even better when you’re driving at night. Seriously!!! I no dey joke. If you’re over 25 you’ll love this track. Unless you’re in a bad situ like 36 inches( I love you girl. Keep your head up).
Weezy’s Album is over-rated. Kanye’s is Solid, Common is Solid, 50 cents is trash.(I threw the mofo out my window. Thank God I copped the Bootleg.)

How about Some Catholic Nuns running a charity. They go from Company to company collecting donations for under-privileged kids at Christmas. Turns out the whole thing was a damned scam. I shouldn’t go there right? But na bad thing now.
What kind of Nun wears Authentic Mahnolo Blahnik Slippers anyway?
There. I’ve said it. So R you can kiss my chocolate flavored ass lol…